The Right to Bare Arms

I don't wear sleeveless anything.

Ever.

Well, OK, occasionally I can be found in a bathing suit...with a long sleeve cover over the top until I go from lounge chair to pool or hot tub and then the cover up is discarded at the last possible second and I scurry to the safety of the water.

But that's different because of two things...

A) I'm blind as a bat without contacts or glasses. And since I can't see anything when I'm about to get in the pool¹, my philosophy is that if I can't see you, you totally can't see me, and

B) In the event that you are able to see through my invisibility cloak, I shall be going so fast you will only perceive a large, flesh colored blur.

Actually, let's be honest. This goes beyond a "no sleeveless" policy. Unless a short sleeved shirt is too big and the sleeves come down to my elbow², I stick to the 3/4 and long sleeves selections.

Always.

I occasionally wonder if people think it's because I'm a junkie and am attempting to hide track marks.

No, no.

Nothing quite so glamorous as all that.

The fact is I have lunch lady arms.

No, really. I seriously do.

I've been convinced of my lunch lady arm status since I was like in the 8th grade. That's how long it's been since I've bared my arms for all the world to see.

And you know what really sucks when you're compelled to hide the lunch lady arms?

Summer.

So I envy fellow lunch lady arm women who've managed to overcome their lunch lady arm shame and discard all sleeves in the interest of keeping cool on a hot summer day.

Because tank tops and a breeze? That's like free air conditioning and I like both. Free and air conditioning, I mean.

But no. Just...no. Because no.

I won't do it. You can't make me.

So let's just pretend I'm a junkie and am trying to hide the evidence of my addiction.

Kthxbye.




1: Because I have actually lost a contact lens in a pool exactly one time and henceforth do not wear contacts in the pool.


2: Sleeve...awesome word. Say it a lot in your head. It tickles me.