Like Sand In My Underpants

February feels an awful lot like attempting to remove a too-tight, wet, bathing suit from a cold, shivering person who's been sitting around in its clammy moistness way too long.

It feels as though I'm pulling, pushing, shoving, rolling at stubborn lycra just trying to get it off and away from my body so I can sink into a hot tub of lavender bath salts and finally get rid of the chill of the dead months.

It's a damn good thing February is a short month. This dreadful feeling as though winter is and has always been has long overstayed its welcome (stupid leap year). I'm ready for the March of the lion and the lamb. I'm ready to step outside my front door without worrying about whether or not I need a coat AND gloves AND scarf. I'm ready to emerge from my cave without worrying if I need the boots that are good for snow but bad Bad BAD for my plantar fasciitis. I'm more than ready to see friends like the Gothfather and his lovely bride without worrying if I'm going to freeze to death on the patio at Shelter. I'm ready to drive to AND from work in the daylight and know I've got hours to spare before the sun sinks behind the Rocky Mountains. I'm ready to put away the snow brush and ice scraper. I'm longing for the days when I can legitimately complain about the heat.

Spring, I'm ready for you. Come to mama.

Here are some February sun flares for you though.

This week, I'm going to have my first Close Encounter of the Blog Kind when M of The M Half of the M-n-J Show comes to town. I am beyond excited! When you've been reading a blogger for awhile and feel as though you know them, it's simultaneously awesome and nerve-wracking to think about getting a rare opportunity to meet them over lunch or an after work cocktail or two. I mean, what if I spill salsa down my cleavage (as I'm prone to do)? Will she still like me? Regardless, when she e-mailed to say she'd be nearby, I jumped at the chance to sit down with her for an epic, I'm sure, gab fest. She did just get back from Costa Rica after all. Hmmmm...I wish Acr0nym were available to record a podcast mid-week.

Speaking of the podcast, this afternoon I'll be sitting down with my good friend, "Doctor" Finger, to record episode 2.  Sincerely, if I make it through recording without bursting into tears, it'll be a miracle. His story...it's...wow. I hope y'all who listen will find it as awesomely compelling and sad and wonderful and happy as I do.

If you aren't too busy and you want to "like" the podcast on Facebook, I'd be forever grateful. We're 2 away from 50 which feels pretty significant. You can find us here. I hate to shill for likes here. I've never done that before. And yet, for some reason, I'm able to solicit likes and listens when it comes to the podcast. As for Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom, I'm too cowardly to even put up a fan page. Why is that?

Speaking of meeting bloggers...

I realized yesterday after reading this entry filed under Jared's Journal at In the Pursuit of Happiness that a top priority on my wish/bucket list is to travel the country and beyond - possibly in an Airstream - to meet all my blogging friends and record podcast episodes with each and every one of you. So many of you feel as though you don't really have a tale to tell. In fact, Mike at Perception Is Reality Corner, left me a comment stating that he didn't think I'd be able to find a story in him in 5 days let alone 5 minutes. I beg to differ. Our stories vary in intensity and excitement but every single one of us has a tale to tell. I want to record all of them...like Jane's version of Story Corps.

Now...about that Airstream. Hmmm...maybe I should start a ChipIn account? *laughing*

I Haven't Blogged Since Thursday?!

The last 3 days have been a complete time suck.

I have no idea where I've been.

OK, yes, I do. I've been buried alive under 2 feet of snow and, somehow, that translates into falling off the internet...mostly.

Thursday night and most of the day Friday, I was occupied by Noodle. I don't know exactly how I came up with that particular identity for him but, for now, he's Noodle. I'm sure you'll get used to it. He arrived late. We cuddled. There was much laughter. There was some hanky sans panky. And he stayed until he had to go to work on Friday afternoon.

There were no shaving casualties.

The rest of my time has been spent working on the podcast and either digging my car out of its cave or worrying about digging my car out of its cave.

After 24 hours of melt time, it was still thigh deep on the passenger side.

The crater my car left when we finally got it excavated. That's Brad with the shovel.

Almost the moment it stopped snowing yesterday - 40 hours after it had begun - I went out, snow brush in hand, to survey the situation. I'd felt confident - gleeful - when I'd chosen my on-street parking spot Thursday afternoon before the first flake flew. I got the spot right on the corner of Walk/Don't Walk so that no one could park behind me and block me completely in *ahem*.

I did not take into account the fact that the City of Denver would do something quite so absurd as plow side streets during the storm. Nor did I take into account that this particular spot is a bit unprotected from the wind and drifting snow.

So, what I was confronted with yesterday afternoon, snow brush in hand, was a snow drift - 3 feet deep - on the passenger side of my car, a 2-foot plowed wall of ice chunks on the driver's side, and 2 feet of heavy, wet snow piled high atop every surface.

I set about to clean off the car itself anyway, laughing maniacally to myself the entire time thinking, "Well...at least the windows will be clear so I can see I'm not going anywhere from the inside."

It took about an hour.

Today then, I set back out to see about getting out of that forsaken space. Except this time, I posted on Facebook what I was doing and specifically called out my neighbor, #himself, to either point and laugh or come help.

Bless him and modchen. They came out, shovel in hand, and helped.

And then? Miracle of miracles! Brad - 2nd oldest friend in my virtual rolodex - cheerfully walked up and announced that he'd seen my post on Facebook and came over to lend his experienced, Wyoming-bred hands to the task.

It took less than an hour and we had Jane's Infinitely Wise, Reliable, Respectable car freed from its snow prison cell.

Thank you, nice neighbors and friends!

So...that's been the excitement of my weekend. And, just in case you're worried that there will be no podcast, I include these two little itty bitty sound bytes for your sampling pleasure. Mostly because I can.

The first is Diva. It is safe for work.







The second is Peej. It is most definitely not safe for work unless you've got headphones.

FYI: The first episode of the podcast is about self-image and self-esteem. Just in case you couldn't tell.

That's it for now! Ciao!

PS Except...Also? I can't make this stuff up. True life conversation between me and Lex just now when I caught him wearing his boxer shorts, old man black socks, and wrapping a bath towel around his waist:

Jane: That's about the cutest thing ever.
Lex: What?
Jane: You in your old man socks, boxers, and towel getting ready to get in the bath.
Lex: All that's missing is the sock suspenders.
Jane: At which point you'd totally let me take a picture of your feet, right?
Lex: No.
Jane: Why not? No one can identify you by your socked feet, you know.
Lex: Right but my feet have soles and everyone knows that photographs steal souls. My feet have souls...uh soles...uh...too. Keep away from the soles of my feet.

PPS I'm afraid to look at how many unread posts are in my feed reader.

I'm Very Glamorous and Exciting

I am on vacation.

I've been on vacation since Tuesday afternoon 3 p.m.

Here are the highlights of my vacation thus far:

Tuesday - I napped. For 2 glorious hours.

Wednesday 1 p.m. - I went over to Spux's and we drank coffee and then went shopping for "supplies".
Wednesday 4 p.m. - I turned off my phone and banned myself from the internet and wrote for 6 solid hours.
Wednesday 5 p.m. - Snow began to fall.

Today 9:30 a.m. - I tried to brave a foot of snow to go get my hair cut. Subsequently, I posted this on Google+: "Knee deep at my house. Knee deep in snow, that is (and likely a little BS too but that's normal). Just tried, like a fool, to drive somewhere. Got all that glorious snow cleaned off my car, interior toasty warm, and then couldn't get out of my foresaken Cap Hill parking spot since the plow came through and blocked me in. Sweet. Hot cocoa, I'm at your mercy."

Smart cars aren't very smart in the snow...no, it's not mine

Today 1:30 p.m. - Nap. 3 hours.

Today 5:30 p.m. - Played Interrogation with Vinny: Private Eye

Vinny: Private Dick

Today now-ish - I concocted the following semi-grownupish beverage: 

• 2 scoops double mocha instant cappuccino mix
• 1 scoop french vanilla instant cappuccino mix
• 1 scoop hot chocolate
• 1 shot Van Gogh's Double Espresso Vodka
• 20 oz. Sonata Roast Coda Coffee

Stir and Enjoy.

I'll either be up until 4 a.m. or passed out by 7 p.m.

I'll keep you updated.

Yay vacation!

It's a Good Day

It's snowing.

Today is the December birthdays Boozy Brunch and Bar Crawl along Broadway starting at noon. But, at 19º and snow? I'm thinking a much better plan will be to stay right here in my comfy pants and tattered, pink robe drinking hot coffee, hot tea, and hot chocolate toddies.

But that's just me.

I love being housebound due to inclement weather. It rarely happens. Most of the time, when snow flies, it's on a weekday and I find myself slipping and sliding along icy sidewalks and snow-packed streets just like the rest of the 9-5 drones out to make a decent living.

So today, because I don't have to go anywhere and I've got no pressing chores to check off my list, it'll be a lazy, wrapped in blankets, reading and/or watching old movies day. I've just finished putting up chicken and dumplings in the crock pot. It's one of Lex's favorite meals and he hardly ever gets it...mostly because I'm too lazy after work to make the biscuits. Won't he be pleased when he gets out of bed and figures out what's in store later for himself?

It's likely.

Oh! Maybe I'll take a page from Krista and Jess and make it a popcorn ball and Hitchcock double feature day! Mmmm...popcorn and Hitchcock. Doesn't that sound like a perfectly sound way to spend a day? Although, I'm lacking in the light corn syrup department so I'll probably just stick to Owen's kettle corn...except I've got leftover pecans from Thanksgiving and I think I'll toast some of those up to throw in with the goodness.

Don't you wish you were at my house?

I'm Talking 'Bout the Weather...Shoosh You

It's snowing again.

I say again because last Wednesday Denver got the heaviest snow in two seasons (about 6" at The Grotto's front door). Apparently, Mother Nature had had enough of the drought in Colorado and wasn't about to wait for a more appropriate month to bring us measurable snowfall.

Last week, while it was a pain in my toosh to dig my car out from under several inches of heavy, wet snow particularly as I was thoroughly soaked to the bone due to my disbelief of impending storm and my subsequent ill-preparedness, the roads were, surprisingly, not only passable but, practically clear. It was the kind of snow that makes people like me who A) love snow but B) hate to drive in it quite happy. We had the best of both worlds. We could enjoy the lovely effects of the snow and still drive relatively unhindered.

What is happening now isn't quite the same case.

Now, I'm no stranger to snow. The first 20 years of my life were spent in Wyoming. The last 20 years have been spent in Colorado. Wyoming snowstorms, particularly, are no laughing matter. More often than not, the snow falls sideways because there is rarely a Wyoming day that the wind doesn't blow at 40+mph gusts. I learned to drive in this kind of weather and I rarely mind it because I know it, understand it, was taught how to maneuver in it by a couple of fantastic drivers (my father, a Wyoming native, and a wonderful driver's ed teacher). They also taught me how to respect the weather and to know the exact moment when dangerous moves into treacherous territory - a signal to stay the hell home.

In Colorado or, at least, in Denver, blizzard conditions are relatively rare. We get heavy snow and the side streets will remain unplowed but, generally, the wind doesn't blow much and the main arteries throughout the city aren't too awful most of the time...

Except during rush hour.

And then? All hell breaks loose.

From 9 News - traffic speeds on I-25 (my route to work) at 8:15 a.m.

Driving in the snow-packed and slushy streets of the city is much MUCH different than driving along the surface streets during a full on blizzard in Small Town, Wyoming.

First of all, Wyomingites know what they are doing and they do it very well. Unfortunately, too many drivers in Denver just plain don't have a clue. On the one hand, you've got the Nervous Nellie who is terrified, white-knuckling the steering wheel, riding their brakes, afraid to go faster than 10 mph. On the other, you've got the Angry Al, falsely confident in his SUV, clearly feeling self-important, darting in and out of undefined lanes trying to navigate around both the Nellies and the sensible creatures like me. These are the ones you see crumpled in heaps along the barriers of death or overturned in the medians of doom.

Additionally, Wyomingites also understand the importance of car maintenance and good tires. Never in my life have I seen more Silly Sams trying to coax an old Buick on bald tires along city streets, fishtailing, spinning out, and flat out stuck than I have here in Denver.

A snowy morning here - even when there is only an inch or two on the ground - is an adventure in idiocy. Seriously.

So, I loathe driving in Denver when the roads are bad. And, for a long time, I thought perhaps it was just because I was getting older and even more anxious (is that even possible?) and was thus turning into a Nervous Nellie myself.

But, last night, it dawned on me after a few friends posted on a social media site about how people who panic about ohmygawdsnow shouldn't live in Colorado and acting quite cavalier about how easy it is to drive in snow and how people who are afraid to drive in it are stupid (I'm paraphrasing) that it's not because I'm a Nervous Nellie or sick with anxiety. It's that most people, when it comes to snow, either have no respect for it or don't know how to deal with it and they all pile onto the highway going too fast or too slow for conditions.

In other words, it's you that's the problem. Not me. Hee hee.

So today, I'm home (in fairness, this is because currently my car is sandwiched in between two cars whose owners thought leaving me 2" in front and behind was enough to get myself out of my parking space). I'm remoted in to my desktop at work, snug in my pajamas, drinking entirely too much coffee, and beginning to smell the pot roast slow cooking in beef broth, red wine, and a crap ton of garlic.

And I'm unashamed to say that, yes, I didn't go to work today because I was afraid. Afraid of what happens when all the thousands of Angry Als in their SUVs who think they can stop on black ice whip around me and the Nervous Nellies slam on their brakes in front of me. You bet I'm afraid.

And at home. No hat, gloves, or scarf required.

Down with Winter

By the time I figured out Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny weren't real, God never stood a chance. - unknown
[If you know who said that, let me know.]

I learned fairly young (around the age of 6) Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy didn't exist beyond imagination. I attribute this to two things:

A) Being the youngest of four and
B) Catching my parents in the act due to the fact that I would lie awake terrified by the idea of strange men, animals, and creatures invading our home under the cover of darkness.

However, it didn't occur to me until I was about 14 that I ought to question the validity of a groundhog who:

A) Knows what his shadow looks like
B) Understands the concept of seasons
C) Has the ability to predict weather
D) Can speak English and
E) Cares enough about what humans think to communicate what he does know.

I know, right?

Original Photo: Aaron E Silvers

I suppose the difference was that, with the others, getting stuff - presents, money, candy - wasn't dependent upon belief. But with Punxsutawney Phil, if you didn't believe, there was NO CHANCE of an early spring. And growing up in the wild yonder of the wind-swept tundra known as Wyoming, the very idea of early spring was important.

Because winter in Wyoming? It sucks.




Winter makes me cranky and sad. I hate the cold, the wind, the snow. I hate the shorter days and the chapped hands and lips. I hate driving in snow and won't unless there's a most compelling reason to do so. I hate most everything about winter except the smell and feel of a wood-burning fireplace (which I don't have) and sweaters. Sweaters are awesome!

We had an unusually mild fall and early winter here in Denver. Our first cold snap didn't appear until (inconveniently) New Year's Eve and we didn't have our first measurable snowfall until a few days before my birthday in mid-January.

But this week? This week has been more than enough winter for me. 17°F below zero with a -30°F windchill is too much to ask of anyone. We've had three days of sub-zero temperatures and then today, the first day during which the temperature rose above the single digits, we've got snow coming down with snow predicted for four out of the next five days.

My feet have not warmed up despite the two layers of socks - one layer made from New Zealand sheep's wool - on them in three days.

So, when Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole yesterday and predicted an early spring? You bet I was glad to see him...and not his shadow.

So much for being a logical, skeptical grown up.



This is not a groundhog. This is a porcupine. But he's really cute and there's a resemblance, yes? OK stretch. Still...cute.