Decisions Decisions

This morning, I seriously contemplated putting a lid on Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom.

I can't pinpoint precisely why, only some of why.

A) I've barely been blogging.

B) What little I've been blogging about feels mostly like angsty, crazy talk and I don't think I'm quite that angsty or crazy...uh...I don't think. At least, not yet.

C) It mostly feels unmanageable right now with work, socializing, and writing other stuff.

D) I don't feel funny anymore when I sit down to write here. Maybe my funny's being used up in my other writing. Maybe I'm not funny *gasp*. Wait...Scratch that. I'm totally funny. Stop mocking me. I am too funny!

E) I've directed a few people here who wanted to get to know me and, all of a sudden, I feel exposed in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Obviously, I'm not censoring myself any more than usual so that isn't the problem. Wait...maybe that's precisely the problem. I'm not censoring myself nearly enough. The blogging boundaries I set for myself years ago feel blurred all of a sudden and I'm never quite sure whether I've crossed them or not.

Hence, the deleted post the other night. Hence, why I have so many unfinished posts in my drafts folder.

Perhaps that's the true reason why I would even consider closing up shop and moving on to some other blog I created where no one knew my name. Because when I feel vulnerable and exposed, when I feel unsafe, I strap on my virtual running shoes and make a break for it.

Huh. I think I just stumbled on the problem.

This blog has never had a theme. It isn't something I'm trying to make money at doing. It's not about building an audience or compromising my integrity or writing about topics I couldn't give a Vinny shit less about. It has rarely been about politics, feminism, or celebrity gossip. It's mostly been about me...my trials and tribulations as a single woman navigating the world as a modern spinster. It is me...and my infinite wisdoms. Exposed. Vulnerable. Funny, lovely, sad, grief-stricken, cuckoo-crazy, traumatized, excited, bewildered, judgmental, angry, disgusted, hopeful, grateful, full of infinite love, thoughtful. All that I am and more. I've never pretended to be good at this venue. I've been hard pressed to call myself a blogger. Blogging is not something I am even though the blog is chock full o' who I am. Instead, it's something I do. 

The question is...do I want to do it anymore?

And then I think about the time (not just my own) and money that has gone into revamping this blog, moving it to a different platform and a self-hosted server, giving it a fresh header and a bit of a different look and feel...all of that has been done. I just have to make the switch over. I think about the new business cards that just arrived...the ones that promote Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom on one side and Sharp Pointy Objects on the other. Do I really want to start all over again?

Because, realistically, I would. Start all over again, I mean. If I closed up shop here, you'd find me somewhere else...at Jane Is a Mean Horrible Bitch, Bourbon and Shame, or maybe I'd steal Snot Faucet away from Acr0nym (I was, after all, the one who came up with that domain). Just like I did when I left livejournal for here, or livejournal for myspace, or friendster for livejournal.

And every time, the same things are apparent...

I am infinitely:

Lost

Lovely

Disgusted

Thoughtful

Humbled

Bewildered

Terrified

Crazy

Silly

Loving

Traumatized

Generous

Judgmental

Mean-spirited

Remorseful

Lonely

Awed

Self-deprecating

Brilliant

Dumb

Confused

Respected

Disrespectful

...and Wise.

I am wise, you know. Even if I don't always feel like I am sometimes. Even if I joke tongue-in-cheek about it. I am. 

And so I think I'll stay. For now. Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom is, after all, me. I didn't know how wisely I'd chosen when I picked that name until right at this very moment.

I may not accept that I am "just" a blogger. But my blog is me. This blog is who I am. Infinitely WISE and also *cough* wise *cough*.

Do I contradict myself?

Very well I contradict myself - 

I am large - I contain multitudes.

                            -Walt Whitman

Viewer Discretion Is Advised

Hopefully, you'll recall I recently wrote about two different women who, without regard to their subjects, posted in public online places about certain sexual escapades they'd had - one in a public blog, the other in an online forum. If you read that post, you'll know indiscretion, deliberate disclosure of another person's business in a heavily trafficked medium, really pisses me off. No. I mean it REALLY pisses me off.

Out of that post though came a comment from Lucy, because Lucy is particularly awesome at presenting an opposing view point, in which she asked me:

What is the line?

In other words, what is the line bloggers - and I would argue all people across every social media platform - should draw to separate between broadcasting details of our lives and attempting to respect the right to privacy of others?

Now...there are some...er...information security professionals I know and adore who would disagree with everything I post here, even about myself, on principle - those who think this blog's existence is a discretionary fallacy. I suspect some of them cringe - rightly so (you know, because sometimes I do) - about what I'm willing to disclose about myself. However, I'm at the point of understanding there is no such thing as my own personal privacy when it comes to an online presence and since I'm not likely to give up the interwebz altogether, the self-regulatory boundaries I once laid out in A Cautionary Blogging Tale when I responded to Lucy the first time she and I had this conversation really bear repeating.

So...here you go. Jane's rules for ethical blogging and social media usage (slightly updated as with age comes even more experience):

1) First, do no harm...to others but, most especially, to yourself. The Hippocratic oath does not just apply to medicine. If there is even the remotest possibility your published words may find their way into a court of law, used as damning evidence against you or someone you love, do not say it in your outloud voice.

2) Set your topic boundaries NOW. Know yourself, know your triggers, write them down in a private-to-you-but-visible place if you have to but know them. Know when you've crossed them and, if you believe you're close to crossing them, hold off on clicking the "Publish Post" button until you or someone you love can review it after a good night's sleep. Believe me, your Lovely Readers would gladly wait knowing you are protecting yourself.

3) Empower yourself. Don't let anyone from your past or present censor you if you are doing no harm. They no longer get to control you just because they don't like what you might say. Don't allow your "mouth" to be duct taped by someone who thinks they should be able to censor you. No one can censor you without your consent. That is your first amendment right (provided you live in the United States). Caveat: know that there are laws that exist to protect people from the defamation of character - libel and slander are subject to prosecution.

4) No matter what, do not forget, while writing is typically done alone (and, if you're like me, in your pajamas), there are readers you do not know about, of this, you can be sure. Unfortunately, sometimes, these readers aren't of the Lovely variety and have malice in their hearts. Be prepared. Be aware. You are, literally, putting yourself out there in more ways than one. There may be consequences. If you're willing to post it you must also be willing to suffer the lash back. If the consequences are too great, don't post.

5) Consider posting your own blog disclaimer (and copyright notice) on your blog in an easily found place. I do not know how it'll stand up in court - I'm not an attorney - but it can't hurt and, at the worst, is a layer of protection for you...just in case.

And, because I'm even smarter now...

6) If you're about to publish something you wouldn't tell your mother, your neighbor, or most of your co-workers? You've got no business posting it. 

And yes, my mother, my neighbors, and my boss all read Jane, In Her Infinite Wisdom.

Does that help you, Lucy?

The Intimacy and the Cost of Blogging: Part Deux

I wonder how many of you began following me when I wrote the original The Intimacy and the Cost of Blogging post?  In light of Thursday's events, I decided to re-use the title. It's fitting, you'll know if you read my original post. 

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing, announced Thursday he would be taking a break from blogging. How long is anyone's guess...at least a week...maybe more.

It's hard not to know who Dan is at this point. If you use any kind of social media, you likely saw at least one shared link to the blog post he wrote back in November, I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay. The post went viral and continues to be shared 6 months later. In response to that post, he received thousands of comments and e-mails from people sharing their own personal stories of how that article impacted lives, changed minds, fostered the healing of relationships.

He also received hate mail and sad mail and threats.

The negativity didn't seem to squash him though. He kept on writing daily, sharing his life, his philosophies, his trials and tribulations, and his successes with his readers. He kept his chin up and did a bang up job at continuing to spread his message about love, caring, and optimism. He even posted some of the more compelling and wonderful responses he'd received from I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, he shared A Teen's Brave Response to "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay" and this time the post went, in his words, "mega-viral". He had over 4 million hits in less than a day. All the traffic crashed his host server. He was forced to disable comments on the post.

Because of this second round of immense attention and scrutiny, Dan had an epiphany. He realized all of this attention was taking its toll on him and on his relationships. He had a decision to make. He decided to disappear. 


Regarding his sabbatical, he says, 


I have to get my brain balanced again. This blog has taken me down a road that is so deep and mental and heavy sometimes.

You see, if you read Dan's blog, you'll know he is all heart. He writes with brave sincerity and occasionally from a place that is vulnerable and lonely. He has over 100,000 subscribers and yet, often, he writes as though he is talking to a trusted loved one knowing full well there are people who will contact him with vitriolic nonsense, who will stalk him, who will call him "fake".

Most of the time, he appears to just shrug it off. Like Dooce and her campaign to monetize the hate, he knows there are people who won't like him, won't like what he has to say, will be loudly angry and mean. And yet, like Dooce, he still puts himself out there day after day.

Why? Why would he continue to write as he does knowing he'll be targeted by hate mongers and trolls? Is it because he's learned that much more often people respond and connect to him in a positive, beautiful way if he allows himself to be vulnerable regardless of the negative feedback? I think so.

But I gotta tell you, speaking from my own very limited experience, it's terrifying when an unusually large volume of traffic comes flooding toward me to devour my words, to potentially criticize and hate on me personally and not just what I've said and how I've said it.

To be clear, I've never had a post receive millions of views. I've never crashed a server or had to disable comments. But, beginning with the original The Intimacy and the Cost of Blogging post, I've had a handful of posts that have received thousands of views in a single afternoon. And every time, I've choked back a gasp, my nerves coiled up into a tight little ball in the pit of my stomach and I've waited in fear and outrageous anxiety for the onslaught of virtual fisticuffs to rain down on my head.

It - the nasty personal attacks - hasn't happened thus far. One day though, it will. That is a certainty. Unless I stop blogging all together. Not likely.

I've asked myself so many times - just as I questioned Dan Pearce - why? Why am I willing to risk criticism, rejection, hurt by continuing to put myself and parts of my most vulnerable self out here?

The answer came to me recently in the form of a TED talk on the power of vulnerability.

The video is almost 20 minutes long but it is sincerely worth every minute (as most TED talks are).

I allow myself to be vulnerable here - well, OK, fine, everywhere - because in order to connect, to feel deeply, I must be vulnerable. That is human nature. It is, at times, uncomfortable and frightening. Mostly though, it's gratifying and richly rewarded with friendships and dialogue I wouldn't experience without it.

I've written a number of times about why I write (because I have to) and I've even gone so far as to presume that I write only for myself.

But that's not true. I write, ultimately, to connect with other people. I write what I do to make people laugh, to cry, to cringe, to feel as I do. I write to feel less alone, to give others an opportunity to feel less alone, all the while knowing we are, all of us, alone.

And that's what Dan Pearce does. He writes to connect. Yes, he writes to support himself too but he wouldn't be able to without allowing himself to be sincere and, at times, vulnerable with his readers. Readers know when you consistently aren't sincere. Am I right?

But what Dan has not yet discovered is the balance or the boundaries. He has not yet learned what price he's willing to pay in intimate currency for a connection and a following. He has not yet learned how much to distance himself from the extreme highs and the extreme lows other people will swing toward in order to connect with him...through love and through hatred.

He's off to discover the price he's willing to pay right now.

There is a price to pay.

What is MY price?








PS A most sincere apology to My Alien Body who probably ought to have expected this as a guest post on her own blog. I'll come up with something else for you, Melissa. It just felt right to put this here.

How I Read My Feed When I Need to Take Heed (of my time)

I am abysmally behind on my feed reader.

When I logged into my Reader this morning, I had nearly 200 posts that had accumulated over the last 3 days. People are writing and they are writing with gusto! Which I love (don't stop). It is, however, (more than) a little daunting.

This afternoon then, I've been attempting to tackle my feed. And I've discovered something I do occasionally that helps me get to every post, eventually, without getting lost.

Now, normally, I work my way chronologically from oldest to most recent unread posts of everyone I follow. This way, I get a taste of all the writers in a jumble in the order they've posted. I like doing it this way generally. Sometimes it helps me spot trends across several blogs...and I love to connect dots from random sources. Mostly, I'm decidedly OCD about following along in a linear fashion.

When I get behind though, it's much harder to think about who is posting what that way. I mean, everyone I follow has such a distinct, clear voice! So, when I'm reading on a daily basis, I know Lucy or Melissa or Melanie or Kelly or cdnkaro or Beth or Masked Mom just by what they are saying and how they are saying it. But, when I'm behind, I sometimes get lost and find myself scrolling up and down and up to look at the author of the post time and again because I'll be reading along and think, "Huh. That's not something Bon would say, that sounds more like Nini" and then find out what I thought was written by Bon wasn't Bon or Nini but Periphery or Jenn.

So, I've developed a system that's still relatively linear but not chronological. This satisfies both my OCD and keeps me straight (heh) on who is posting what.

Note: I don't ever just click on a particular blog's feed and mark all as read without reading. I wouldn't be following if I didn't want to read. Even the big kids.

However, the big kids don't notice if I'm not reading right away or, more importantly, commenting. Us Little Folk, we actually notice when we've not gotten comments from each other in awhile.

So!

This is what I do.

First, I check a few people I would recognize on the street...

Acr0nym - who never blogs (why does he have a blog again? Oh yeah! So that I can one day hijack it and talk about feelings) but who, on occasion, has surprised me...once or twice...a year. Then I check the Divatologist and Peej and Zero Hour!...because they are regular posters.

After that, I start at the top of my Reader list with the letter "A". I skip all the big kids whose blogs I rarely, if ever, comment on. Trust me, Ree at Confessions of a Pioneer Woman, does not notice if I don't say anything because she's got 7,000 other comments to wade through (no, I'm probably not kidding). I know she cares how many readers she has - just as most of us do - but my comments don't mean nearly as much to her as they do to Successfully Underachieving.

I systematically make my way through the alphabet then, clicking on the names of the smallish bloggers I love, reading and leaving comments on (nearly) everything they've posted since I last read them. Frances, for instance, knows I read one post after another of hers today because I left, like, 6 comments in rapid succession on the 9 posts she'd published over the course of the last few days.

Once I've gone through the entire alphabet, only then will I go back through and catch up with the Big Kids.

I've whittled away at my Reader today until I have 123 posts yet. I haven't made it through all of my lovely blogging friends but I'm getting there. Some of you felt the love right away. Some of you (I'm sorry, Melissa! This n that n this falls in the "T"s) are still waiting.

Just know, I will get to you soon. And, when I do, there will likely be a flurry of comments.

Mostly though, I want all of you other bloggers to know I've not stopped reading. I've just...I've been working on a couple of HUGE projects to be revealed soon. One I can't talk about just yet and the other I haven't had time to disclose (as much as I would really like y'alls input...in fact, need your input).

Still...I am reading. You are important to me. I promise.

Note: Blogger (I'm currently on the Blogger platform) has a handy dandy Google Connect button that allows other Blogger bloggers to connect to one another. FYI: just because you are a Blogger blogger doesn't mean I'm following you through the Blogger dashboard. If I'm not showing up in your Google Connect list but still commenting frequently on your posts, I'm likely still following you through my feed reader. If you are concerned that I'm not following you (a good way to know is to check my Blog Roll) and would like to be added to my feed and/or listed in my blog roll, comment or send me a note (contact information is provided on my "Contact" page). I'm always open to new people to read and follow.