Wait...You Found Me How?! The May 2012 Edition aka All About Alligators

Yes, I know it's the 5th of June. Yes, I know this should have been posted 5 days ago. You know what? If you're going to be that judgmental...oh. Wait. Never mind. I need the readers so I will [try] not to insult you.

Anyway! It's that time, once again, for you and I to poke about in my Google Analytics and peruse the keyword searches to find the best, funniest, weirdest searches someone, somewhere out here on the interwebz keyed into Google and found this space I call internet home. 

If you recall, in April, underpants were all the rage. This month, among the usual facial scar searches, the Luke Perry frontal nudity searches, the searches for Boomchunkas, etc. there was not a panty to be had. Instead, I present to you the Month of the Alligator.

Here we go!

1. fuck yeah I'm an alligator  No. No, I'm not. And neither are you - unless, of course, you're an especially smart alligator with computer skills, opposable thumbs, and access to the interbones. And, if so, what are you doing wasting your time on me? That kind of alligator should be out taking over the world. Sheesh.

2. alligator cartoon mean  I'm going to venture to guess alligators, by their very nature, are kinda mean. A cartoon depicting a mean alligator then should illicit millions of hits. How in the world did you end up here where I've talked about alligators precisely twice and only in the context of how to escape them?

3. mommy there's an alligator under the bed  Great. Another thing for me to worry about. Oh! Except my bed is on the floor and it would be virtually impossible for one to be under my bed. Although...hiding in the closet or in the toilet is another matter altogether. Crap. Now I can't sleep. Alligators [and clowns] might eat me.

4. draw something scarface  Um...rude much? That's Ms. Scarface to you, Rude Asshole Person. But fine. You want me to draw something? Here you go...

Note ARP seems to be flipping the alligator the bird. This is NOT the way to escape an alligator attack.

5. had new vagina installed  There always has to be one to which I say I've got nothin'. Truly, I've got nothin'. I especially do not have a new vagina. The one I have seems to be in perfect working order, kthxbye.

6. so I'm majoring in engineering fuck me right  Right. Heh. 

7. will grease help my 357 mag cia pistol fire better  Um...I don't actually know. However, I suspect some of my gun enthusiast friends who read may be able to offer up some advice. They may or may not comment though. They are a shifty, secretive lot. Much like the CIA except cooler and quite possibly drunk so, you know, take that into consideration.

8. I ain't asking for permission  OK. But if you ain't gonna ask for permission you'd better be prepared to ask for forgiveness.

And that, Ladies and Gents, concludes this edition of Alligator month on Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom. What will we have in June? Only time will tell.

FYI: I'm not doing a link up this month as it doesn't seem to be particularly popular so...if you've got some you want to share, be sure to leave a URL in comments for me. I'll come laugh and raise an eyebrow with you for sure!

Wait...You Found Me How?! April 2012 Edition

YES! It is that time again. That once-a-month post whereby I comb the keyword searches that returned Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom to some unsuspecting freak and/or geek.

Amid the usual searches for Luke Perry full frontal nudity, snot, boomchunka cookie recipe, and the rising demand for images of girls with cool facial scars, there are some wonderful, weird, crazy and occasionally Rule 34 pornographic gems people search on...and somehow end up here.

So! Here we go!

Note: There seems to be a significant interest in underpants this time 'round.

1) wall of tolerance toothpicks  I'm not sure what we're doing here. Are we building a wall of tolerance out of toothpicks? Building a wall of tolerance in support of tolerating toothpicks? Regardless, I have never blogged about walls of tolerance or of toothpicks and certainly never about a wall of tolerance out of or in support of toothpicks...at least, not until now. For the record though, I'm all for supporting tolerance of toothpicks.

2) elephant face tattoo near penis  Hee hee. They said "penis". Still...I've never had an occasion to tattoo an elephant face anywhere let alone near my (non-existent) penis. I think this is probably not the blog you're looking for.

3) jane's underpants  Is this a madlib? Jane's underpants are ____________ (noun).

4) I'll jinx showing her underwear  And again with the underwear. What are we jinxing again?

5) liberty statue panties  Um...I don't think the liberty statue wears underwear but you'd have to ask the French. And now I have "I see London. I see France. I see ladies' underpants." stuck in my head.

6) pickle penis  Hee hee. They said "penis". This may be a reference to the Adult Swim show Frisky Dingo Season 1 during which there was an exchange between Barnaby Jones (aka Xander Crews) and Killface in which they say:

Barnaby Jones: That's not a pickle.

Killface: Yes, I know. It's your penis.

WAA HAA HAA HAA! What? Yes, I am 12. But I don't think I've ever blogged about that...until now.

So...what have you got for us this month?

Link up here:

Twitter hashtag = #YouFoundMeHow

The "Wait...You Found Me How?" Link Up Take Two

I'm not very good at this yet.

I think though that this will be our link up image for the once a month link up for those who wish to divulge the strangest search word results that brought a reader to your blog.

UPDATED: I'll get better at organizing this. I swear! I don't have any rules for this particular game. You can post as many or as few as you'd like and with or without commentary. Gaelyn also did something very fun and listed her most popular posts for the month as well. That's a fun take on the game too.

Now, without further ado, here are my most unusual keyword search results that brought a lost soul to these here parts during the month of March (I love this post each month! People are so strange and wonderfully weird!):

1. Adolescence stinks. 
Yes. This is true. So do adolescents who haven't quite learned the art of bathing every day.

2. Am I gonna be blind because of drusen (this one isn't funny but I want to address it).
Probably not. It is a possibility, unfortunately. But please take heart. Blindness caused by optic nerve drusen is very rare. Good luck to you...whoever you are.

3. Calculator watch nerd.
Hee hee. Hee hee. Hee hee.

Acr0nym + calculator watch = Nerd

4. Chuck Norris is infinitely polygamous in fact he's infinite in every respect.
I'm not sure I'd go quite that far but, I must admit, Chuck is pretty bad ass.

5. Coffee a warm delicious drug pictures.
This is so very very true. I don't think I post that many pictures of coffee though. Sorry to disappoint you.

6. Terrorist bedroom flowers.
LOL. What?


So! That's the round up from Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom for March. I showed you mine. Won't you show me yours?

Wait...You Found Me How?! February 2012

Oh, yes. It's time, once again, for the monthly round up of the Google Analytics keyword searches that brought all the weirdos to my yard. Come to momma, all you freaks 'n geeks!


1. crazy cat lady mug - Hey! I take exception to that! I have a cat and I'm crazy but my mug has nothing to do with...er...well...cats.

2. did you know that my winer is small - Huh. No, I can't say that I did know that about you, whoever you are. PS What's a winer?

3. fuck you kitty you're gonna spend the night outside - Now I KNOW I never said that. As an aside, I love how people type in entire sentences like this, like they are talking to an actual live person, and expect what? I don't even know. Maybe they expect...

4. gas station wisdom - Hrmmm...don't light a cigarette while you're pumping, drinking, or drenched in gas? In other words, don't be This Guy.

5. grey hair doesn't curl - FALSE

And, finally, my personal favorite:

6. please be patient I'm fucking things up as fast as I can - I don't know how you found me but it's true. I'm going as fast as I can so please be just a little patient.


PS I've noticed several bloggers are now doing the monthly wrap up. Are y'all interested in doing a link up? I dunno how to do a link up but I'm willing to figure it out if you want to do it.

Wait...You Found Me How? January, 2012 Edition

Oh, yes.

You know you want it. You've been anxiously anticipating it from the edge of your seat. I can see you wriggling with anticipation.

So, I'm going to give it to you. That's right, Little Darlins, pull up a chair and get ready for the January edition of #YouFoundMeHow - the monthly wrap up of the top weirdest keyword searches that brought some of you to this little infinitely wise space.

Ready? OK good. Because I couldn't decide on just 3. I had such great ones this month, I'm giving you 6.

1) Color of sex organ of the frog.

Dude. One answer. Green. Now move on to wikipedia.

2) Ban me if I ever say cookies.

I love cookies. I like talking about them. Please don't ban me or anyone else for mentioning them. Cookies are tasty tasty treats.

3) Can drinking wine help grow beard.

Um...maybe? I hope not but it would explain a lot.

4) Evanston pet sitter bacchus kitty

Huh?

5) I love the smell of bourbon and shame

ME TOO!

6) What is the social moratorium

Um...when you stop being social?

So...what do you guys have? Come on, Bloggers! I know you want to!

You Found Me How: 2011 Special Edition

It's that time again - one of my favorite entries to write every month - the month-end You Found Me How?! whereby I mine my analytics for all those whacky keyword searches that landed some of you kooky kids on a Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom post.

Today, however, since it is a special day, I'm taking the liberty to present to you the Top 10 Best (or Worst) of 2011.

Ready? Here we go!

10) "naps are awesome". Yes, yes they are. Thanks for stopping by and do come again but please call first next time. I'm likely taking a nap.

9) "playing specifically under my piano sucked". I...uh...yes, I suppose it probably did...especially if it was an upright piano. Those suckers are heavy!

8) "findmefreaks". No. Freaks, apparently, find me...in droves. I'm afraid you're on your own.

7) "sneezing hankie women fetish". Honestly? I got nothin'.

6) "pudding in my bra". Mmmm...pudding. But please not in my bra.

5) "does onion help grow facial hair". I don't know but it would sure explain a lot.

4) "andy rooney looks like a turtle". I don't care to speak ill of the dead nor do I ever recall stating I believed Andy Rooney looked like a turtle (although he kinda did). But I do remember talking about his spectacular eyebrows.

3) "barista ball gag". I would advise strongly against gagging your barista.

2) "blowing snot on bare soles". Wait...what? I swear, this is not one of THOSE blogs. Please refer to #8. The freaks truly do find me.

1) "jane box congress". Let's keep congress out of my vagina, shall we?

Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?

It's the first of the month!

And that means it's time to play #YouFoundMeHow?! - the monthly wrap up project proposed and perpetuated by Geekin' Hard - where I get to tell you of the weirdest searched keywords that brought those seeking wisdom to this infinitely wise place.

Note: I think I play this game a bit differently than our friend, Geekin' Hard. I believe he's actually listing his most searched keyword results for the month. I, however, just go through and pick my favorite three - you know, the three that make me go hmmmm.



Note 2: Also awesome in that wow-that-makes-me-say-hmmm-I'm-really-old? This video came out before there was such a thing as the www or keyword searches or blogs. You're welcome.

OK! Here are my favorite 3 from the month:

1) Wool condoms.
Yes, I know why that got them here but I'm just curious...why would anyone be searching for wool condoms? I hope they weren't serious because...itchy.

2) Midol is not strong enough.
No, no it's not. I completely agree. But it was certainly strong enough for Lex.

3) Weenie babies recipe.
Um...wait...what? I know I mentioned weenie babies letting my cat play with a gag gift (little frog/big erection and yes that linked post up there has pictures of it...don't click through if this will offend you) but I don't ever recall talking about cooking one up for supper.

Oddly, I'm still trending on oz/luke perry full frontal nudity, snot/green snot/boy snot, and several different variations of penis.

*shrug* The internetz are weird.

EDITED TO ADD: Please feel free to play along. You can twitter your entry to @janeymcjanerson and @GeekinHard to make sure we see it. Do it! It's fun!

We Begin With an End

Welcome to NaBloPoMo 2011!

WHEEEE! Aren't you excited?

And, to kick us off in style, I've got the monthly wrap up of the #YouFoundMeHow project proposed and perpetuated by Geekin' Hard.

So, without further ado, I present to you the top 3 weirdest search returns that brought Lovely (and freaky) Readers to Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom...

1) green snot (also "green snot man" and "green snot pictures" w00t! I'm all about snot apparently)
2) in my bra cup
3) luke perry penis oz

1) Now, since it seems as though I'm always sick, perhaps the green snot return isn't all that unusual. Still...I don't think I talk about my snot enough to warrant so many hits. Do I? Anyway! From here on out, I resolve not to talk about my snot...much.

2) Um...I don't exactly know what this means. I choose to believe that what's in my bra cup is akin to pudding. Because mmmmm....pudding.

3) Unfortunately, I know exactly which particularly embarrassing post would drive a person searching for "Luke Perry penis oz" to my blog. Also? I'm nearly positive I searched for THE EXACT SAME THING when hunting for a picture of Luke Perry and his Oz penis for that blog entry. And the cycle is now complete.

So! There you have it!

October. Wait...what? You found me how?!

A Break to Update

I'm taking this small break from the arduous task of documenting the American Gods and Roadside Attractions Tour to state, for the record, I am, in fact, sick with the first seasonal cold.

*shaking fists at the sky* WHY?!?!

Although...being sick has helped free up my time - I can't sleep all the time, can I? - for the writing of the blog since I loathe people who go to work sick and then get me sick and so I have a strict no-work policy when I'm running any kind of a temperature which I have been pretty much all week. This is me, setting a good example. Follow my lead, mkay? Thanks. Ha ha.

My invisible internet friend over at Geekin' Hard proposed that we bloggers, at the end of every month, post the 3 strangest search results that brought readers to our blogs. And since I'm fascinated by what brings people to me, I'm all on board with that. So! Here's my September list...

Top 3 Weirdest Search Returns for Jane in Her Infinite Wisdom September, 2011:

1. does onion help grow facial hair
2. barista ball gag
3. germs make you suck

A) I have no idea if onion will help make someone grow facial hair. It would make sense if cheese did considering just how much cheese I eat (you people really have no idea what A LOT of cheese is, do you?) and just how much (unwanted) facial hair I have but onion? I don't believe I've ever discussed such a topic so I am of no help to you.

B) Again, I have no recollection of having ever discussed ball gagging a barista but, if you're a non-morning person like most of the American population (although I'm not one of you...I'm decidedly a morning person), I can see where ball gagging the barista at your favorite, locally owned and independent (because none of MY readers would dare to go to Starbucks, now would you?) coffee house might be of benefit when it's 6 a.m. and you're blinking bleary eyed at the perky, rainbows-and-bubbles-and-puppies-and-kittens espousing barista practically begging you to let her do the double dream hands dance for you. Unfortunately though, I have absolutely no advice on how to get the ball gag willingly into her mouth. And I? Am all about consent. Again, I am no help to you.

C) Suck what? Just generally suck? Given that someone generously *cough* gave me this mutherfucking cold? Yeah. Germs totally make people suck. But, until now, I'm fairly certain I'd failed to mention that having assumed that was a given. Although...it IS possible. I tend to get sick once in fall and once in winter/spring so I suppose I could have said something about germs making people suck. Still...weird.

So...yeah. That's pretty much all I've got for you tonight. Tomorrow I shall resume with the documentation of the roadtrip. It's been an interesting collaborative process. Acr0nym took nearly all the photos and has provided me with maps and details I couldn't recall. I'm writing it all out. I hope that, at least some of you, are finding it interesting.