There comes a time in every non-wife's non-marriage(s) when it dawns on her that she is not the only woman in the lives of her guys.
*sigh*
Such is the realization I've had this week when not one but two - TWO! - of the three non-husbands have been obsessing over another woman...spending most of their free time with her, buying her luxurious accessories, and talking non-stop of their lusty, busty mistress.
This new infatuation became painfully obvious last Wednesday when Acr0nym, for the first (and possibly last) time joined Spux and me for our weekly Wednesday coffee klatch during which all either of them could talk about was their shared new muse. I tried multiple times to change the subject - one in which I could participate - only to be shooshed (rudely, I might add) again and again.
Finally, I pouted. There might have been some expressions of hurt feelings. There were apologies.
Still...
Nearly every evening since then, one or the other or both have paid clandestine visits to this hussy, making sweet sweet loving improvements to her life while I sit at home - alone - thinking to myself...
Denhac is the local hackerspace. Spux sits on the Board and is Art Director for the space. Acr0nym, due to a new found burst of creative energy, has been investing more and more of his time wanting to apply his DIY mad skills to making it more user friendly and, dare I say it, pretty...in the hacker context, of course (I mean, there aren't any floral prints or Ming vases...yet).
denhac awhile ago - it admittedly looks better - and way less white - now (shamelessly stolen from the denhac photo gallery)
And, while I'm excited that they've both found enthusiasm to create a space even I feel comfortable visiting, I'm awfully tired of hearing about and being relegated to the back seat (hope she likes those heated seats in the Intrepid, Acr0nym pfffft) for this pervasive presence in my life.
And so, I say, in my whiniest of whines, are you guys DONE yet? Can we go now? How many more miles?
Cuz you're supposed to be paying attention to meeeeeeeee!
If people you've considered "good friends" for years suddenly don't speak to you or, when they do, fail to:
A) invite you places
B) acknowledge special events in your life
C) ask how you are
D) want to hang out with you
And you're feeling like a leper?
Ask yourself this one simple question, "Have I been a good friend?"
Good friends offer to help. Good friends ask, "how are you?" and then listen to the answer. Good friends send their apologies when they can't make an event. Good friends share the glory of good times and the burden of the bad...so you don't have to go it alone. Good friends remember someone is having a hard time of it and think to ask, "are you OK?" Good friends remember to say, "Thank you" or "I love you" or "I appreciate you". Good friends buy you lunch when you're broke. Good friends don't piss and moan on Facebook about how all women are stupid for liking asshole men or how shitty things are because some people didn't even acknowledge a birthday or blame everyone else for a mass friendship exodus. Good friends understand that sometimes a friend's life gets in the way of being there - always - for you. Good friends, in a nutshell, think outside themselves on a regular basis.
Good friends don't treat you like a leper...unless you turn yourself into one.
What good friends are not? Infallible or filled with infinite patience.
When you fully understand and embrace that it is, in fact, NOT all about you? You'll find yourself surrounded with love, support, and wonderful friends for life - friendships that will span decades.
You'll have patience when it's not about you. You'll be genuinely glad when it's NOT about you. Now. Go forth. Prosper. Remember. It only gets to be about you sometimes. The sooner you know it, the happier you'll be.
This message brought to you by an extraordinary amount of woe is me self-absorption I've born witness to lately. Unfortunately, you, Lovely Readers, will get the stick and the ones it was really meant for? Won't bother to read it because they're too self-absorbed to read anything that isn't about them and, if they do read it, wouldn't recognize themselves in this Just Stop It message.
1. If there is one single physical attribute of my mother's I would have loved to inherit, it would have been her slender figure. Instead? I inherited her leg cramps. YOWCH!
I've got night 3 under my belt of waking up to the grips of charley horses in my inner thighs. This, for the record, hurts. I know it's from all the exercise I'm doing which is a good thing. But couldn't I have a better trade off than sleep interruption and pain? Luckily, the cure comes in the form of (no, not tonic) EmergenC. Awesome stuff. Just wish I could remember to drink it BEFORE I go to sleep.
2. In last night's post, (Re)Discovery of Them Insights, I revealed parts of a personality survey I'd taken a couple of years ago...those parts that bothered me the most. While I did state these are all things I know to be true about myself - and I know this through years of self-assessment, I would like to also state that, I've made tremendous strides to consciously keep myself in balance most of the time so that I'm taking just as good of care of myself as I do others. However, as you all well know, I'm just now coming back into balance after a period of giving away huge portions of my energy to a variety of sources and that's what's frustrating. Knowing that, during times of great stress, I revert to muscle memory and conditioned response...even when consciously I know better.
3. The Divatologist - also last night - was in particularly fantastic form in her post Save Me. I suspect it's another composite sketch of various characters in her life. And while I do not assume it's about me, it certainly did strike a chord in that, while I've been distracted from the knowledge that we are all alone, I was recently reminded that I actually prefer living in that space most of the time and have since I learned that lesson lo those many years ago. I'm not immune to the loneliness of life and relishing the distractions and diversions with eagerness and enthusiasm. I just recognize them for what they are...
4. Which is why I have no expectations and,
5. Why I never say forever.
6. Here is one additional "insights":
"Jane is optimistic and positive, living mainly in the here and now. Seen by others as spontaneous and charming, Jane is persuasive, loves surprises and enjoys finding unique ways of bringing delight and unexpected pleasure to others. Her common-sense denotes a practical ability with people and things. She relies on what she can hear, see and know from first hand experience. She tries to live each moment as a satisfying personal experience."
All of that is true too. And that? Is also who I am day to day.
A couple of years ago, for work, the middle managers, of which I am one, participated in a half day workshop designed to better understand individual personality/communication/work styles so that we could better relate to one another across departments...er...or something like that.
As part of the training, we were asked to complete the Insights Discovery survey - a personality assessment based on Jungian psychological types. It's quite similar to the Myers-Briggs test (MBTI) but even more individualized.
FYI: My MBTI is ENFP. You know, just in case you're into that kind of thing. Of note: the "E" migrated over the years. The first time I took the test at the age of 16, I was a solid introvert. Now, I'm a mild extrovert, hovering near the dividing line between the two.
Anyway!
So, because of blah, blah, blah and also? Yadda, yadda, yadda (not to dismiss the circumstance but simply to keep from boring you), my boss and I are re-visiting the results of my survey...indepth. Eek. Thus, for the first time in more than two years, I had to take a look at what my report had to say and, well, it's disturbingly accurate - much more so than, say, astrology - and, at times, rather painful.
For instance...
"Jane has a real zest for living and enjoys company. Attending to others' wants is felt by her to be a satisfying, legitimate way of expressing her own deeper needs. She wants to be indispensable to others and her desire to please is so strong that she can sometimes lose her own identity by ignoring her own needs."
But also?
"As a result of her natural desire to please, she can be seen as overly concerned with others' needs. She has a high need for affection not found so intensely in other types. She wants to feel significant in other people's lives. She sometimes appears as rather soft-hearted and sentimental, she will usually recall birthdays and anniversaries when others forget. In day-to-day matters Jane is flexible, tolerant and adaptable."
And then...
"She may find it painful to face reality when there are difficult problems with people she cares deeply about. In trusting the evidence of what she senses, she does not attribute unseen motives to others. She tends to take people and situations at face value. Shifting attention inward for long periods may produce anxiety for her as she prefers to look outward towards others for her emotional security. Jane's preferred focus is on the positive, harmonious and uplifting aspects of people and human relations."
Ouch. Even though I know it's all true. Still...to see it on the page like that? Ouch.
Cuz you know? Sometimes I would love love love to be able to say fcuk all y'all.
And yet, by the time I've gotten to the point where I do say that and retreat into my own private Idaho where everyone loves everyone else and gets along and nobody is ever mad or sad? I'm lost. And I hate that.
I won't bore you with the rest of the details (all 20 pages of them) but, particularly now, when I've been wading through the quagmire of Me, I'm like, all, huh. Anyway to change any of this? Because, no really, when I'm told I need to focus solely on myself and I KNOW I need to do just that, it's especially hard knowing it's going against my very nature.
What's that you said about introspection becoming an addiction, dearest Goth Father?
PS If you're familiar with the Insights Discovery, I'm a classic (conscious) Inspiring Helper and a (less conscious) Supporting Helper.
I needed to go to the bank to cash a check and get laundry quarters.
So this morning, shortly after the bank by my work opened, I headed over to take care of my business.
As I was walking in and even as I was waiting for the next available teller, I was distracted, digging in my purse for my checkbook and ID, thinking about what was on my list of things to accomplish today.
The teller who assisted me was friendly. It took only a few moments for us to conduct our business so that I could be on my way. But I do remember she smiled warmly and thanked me for my business.
As I walked out into the parking lot, still distracted with now putting my wallet away, 5 Arapahoe Country Sheriff patrol cars swarmed the lot.
WTF?!
I half expected them all to leap from their vehicles with drawn guns, shouting for me to put my hands in the air.
Uhm...
A bank employee emerged - his name is John - he assisted me when I needed to exchange foreign currency - and I heard him tell one of the officers, "Everything is just fine".
I couldn't hear the rest of the conversation so I don't know what happened.
I hypothesize that someone accidentally triggered the silent alarm.
But it got me to thinking...
That's how it happens.
One minute we're going about our business...yapping at each other on our cell phones, texting, digging around in over-large pocketbooks for whatever it is we're hunting for...and BOOM!
We're hearing this:
That's more than a little disturbing.
Because I was distracted, not paying attention, I could have walked in on a highly volatile situation in which my life would have been in peril.
I imagined myself walking through the door of the bank, digging in my pocketbook, and having a gun thrust to my head...or worse, a bullet tearing through me and having no idea what was happening because I was too busy living in my own personal bubble.
I do it all the time.
Most of us do.
Have you ever driven somewhere and all of a sudden realized you had no idea how you arrived at your destination - literally no recall of the journey?
Often, particularly first thing in the morning as I'm headed toward work, and usually on the same stretch of University from the light at Speer to about Ohio, I realize I have absolutely no recollection of driving. I'll remember vaguely sitting at the light at Speer1 and can't remember anything else after that until I come to and realize I've been on autopilot for several minutes, listening to my music, thinking about the day ahead, planning what I'll fix for dinner or wear to an event.
And it hit me. We're on autopilot most of the time...especially when we're out in a public situation. Isolated, encapsulated in our own little blissfully ignorant bubbles - only concerned with what we're having for supper2.
The only thing that's capable of bursting that bubble is tragedy. An accident, a bullet.
I was struck again by the same thought this afternoon as I inched my way through the brutal Friday afternoon traffic.
When did we stop paying attention? When did we stop caring about what was happening around us and only giving a rat's ass about what was happening inside our cars?
I've long held the belief that technology - as wonderful as it is, as much as I embrace and love it - is fast becoming the downfall of society. We no longer know how to interact with one another, how to be courteous, how to pay attention to what's happening right in front of our faces...
Because we're plugged in...to something virtual. That doesn't actually exist outside of our computer screens and smartphones.
We've forgotten what it is to interact with each other outside of anonymous postings on websites.
We cannot function without "Like" buttons. We clamor for "Dislike" buttons.
We abbreviate our sentences to read like a song title from a Prince album circa 1984.
WTF, people?
We are rarely forced to interact with one another beyond work and internet. We can order our groceries online and have them delivered, for heaven's sake.
We are losing valuable skills as we live Second Lives or live our first lives3 in oblivion - foregoing common sense for selfish pursuits.
Emily Post is obsolete...isn't she?
Do we even know who that is anymore?
This terrifies me. That we will become so isolated - living in our own heads where everything is clearly "all about me", that we'll forget how to be courteous, how to survive in a world populated with many different personalities of which we each have no control of "hiding" when we don't like what they have to say or do - that we will no longer be able to function beyond the computer screen in front of us.
Robots.
Automatons.
Socially retarded.
Let's just stop it.
Before it becomes the death of us all.
1: I've never hit that light on green as long as I've lived at The Grotto. Never.
2: Steak. It's what's for dinner.
3: Whether this is your primary life is up to you.
Objectivity in any relationship is a difficult concept to maintain.
When we connect with people, get drawn in to each others' lives, it's hard to remember not everything that happens to the other person has anything to do with us.
This question was posed by an acquaintance for weigh in on Facebook: Would you keep a friend who knew the consequences of their actions and still chose to hurt you?
I don't know the specifics of the situation making it nigh impossible to weigh in appropriately. But a few things come to mind...
If the friend acted maliciously - say stole the stereo out of his car or kicked his dog or went to his boss and told bald faced lies about him in order to get him fired - that's not a "friend" anyone wants to have.
But rarely in friendship and in love are our choices driven by malevolence. More likely, choices are made based on self-interest and sometimes self-preservation and are occasionally stupid decisions that hurt other people unintentionally.
Right now, the person posing the question might as well be asking "But what about me? This is all about me." When, realistically, it is probable that the decision made wasn't about him at all.
What was the other side of the story? What were the consequences for his friend if he'd decided the other way? Did he decide based on what he perceived as a lesser of two evils?
Here's an example from my own experience.
Several years ago, I'd foolishly, impulsively agreed to move in with a good friend - a long time friend - before I'd seen the living space.
And then I saw the space. It was an old house - a great little house - with a wonderful main floor that'd been remodeled. But my living space was down in the basement where there was no natural light and barely enough room for my bed and a night stand.
At the time, I was living in a 900-square foot high rise apartment and had enough furniture to fill a living/dining room, an office, and a bedroom.
The staircase to the basement was so narrow, I would not have been able to get most of what I had down into the room even if there'd been somewhere to store it.
Standing in that room for the first time, I had an epic anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe. And I knew I would not be able to live there...ever.
It took me a few days to work up the courage to tell my long time friend that I would not be moving in. I knew it would hurt her. I knew it would put her in a financial bind.
I knew the consequences of my actions - for acting stupidly and impulsively and agreeing to do something before fully examining the situation - would possibly end our friendship.
But I had to make my decision based on what was best for me.
She has not spoken to me again since that day.
I don't blame her. I'm sorry she was unable to see my side of it. I'm sorry she seemed to feel as though I was deliberately hurting her. I'm sorry she's no longer my friend. I miss her.
But I do not regret my decision.
And her hurt rests on her own shoulders for the sole reason that she turned my decision into a decision that was all about her.
So, ultimately, to the poser of the original question, I would say that his hurt is not the responsibility of his friend in question. The decision likely wasn't about him. I'd encourage him to try to examine the other side of the coin - remove his hurt feelings from the equation and attempt to put himself in the shoes of his "transgressor".
Only then will he be able to make a sound, rational decision about whether this person is worthy of continued friendship.
