More Notes to Self

1) Next time you leave work at dusk on a rainy-predicted-to-change-quickly-to-snow evening? Pee before you leave for what you know, beyond a doubt, will be an hour+ commute.

Your bladder will kindly thank you.

2) When the two best moments of your day - after what started off bad and just grew exponentially worse - are getting the best parking spot on your street and taking off your bra? Your expectations may need to be adjusted.

Aim low. You'll thank yourself.

3) Even though you know it's ridiculous to be proud of yourself for putting the appropriate amount of air pressure in your tires, filling up the windshield wiper fluid reservoir, and checking your oil after you gas up well ahead of the storm? Be proud of yourself anyway.

No one else will be as proud as you'd like or understand quite why that's such a big deal for you.

4) You know how you simplified that documentation so that anyone - ANYONE who can read and turn on a computer - could follow it and successfully complete a complicated process and then got criticized for it? Be glad you still know how to write for the most challenged user.

No one knows just when that documentation may come in handy. Regardless of the criticizer's reluctance to print out what she thinks she won't need. Guaranteed, she'll need at least 80% of it. Guaranteed. You'll see.

5) Remember how amazing it feels to shed the day as you peel off your clothes. Remember that, even though you only got time to eat half a small salad as your sustanence for the day, there are starving children in Africa who ate even less¹. Remember that you've got a non-commute day tomorrow and be happy that the unexpected timing of the non-commute day combined with the crap weather is fortuitous. Remember that the reason you have a non-commute day tomorrow is because you've done a rather generous good deed. Remember that, even when your hopes are dashed in the morning, there is still plenty of gratitude for the night.

Remember that you're exhausted and over-extended and out of juice and that it is not only OK but preferred by everyone who loves you - yes, LOVES you - that you get some rest. Even if it means declining invitations you've already accepted. Even if it means not responding to e-mails. Even if it means some people who don't understand will hate you for it. Those who would resent you - hate you - for taking care of yourself don't care about anyone but themselves. 

Most importantly, remember...

If you don't take care of you, no one will.

1: Sad to think there are still starving children anywhere really.

Laundry List

1) I don't declare favorite songs any more than I declare favorite movies or books or foods or sexualities. There are too many good ones to choose from and, perhaps it's my inability to commit but, seriously, why would I limit myself to just one of anything?

Having said that, this song is one of my all-time FAVORITE songs.



Say what you will. Take away my punk rock goth goddess cred if you must. I. Love. This. Song. For all time.

2) I now offer you a conversation between Checker Jim and me captured at the grocery store the other night when I went to cash a check and decided to pick up some coffee creamer and tonic in the process...

Checker Jim: Good evening. Oh! You've got a little something for your coffee and a little something for your gin.

Jane: Wow! Have we met?

Checker Jim: Well, I believe we've got to have priorities and these priorities I can relate to.

Jane: And again with the wow. Have we met?

3) Pretty much everyone has something to say about the shooting of U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) and, while I have plenty to say too, it's already being said in other places. I'll just say I feel absolutely ill over it. And I'm angry.

4) Over on cracked.com, there is an article I read yesterday: 7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable. I love this article and think everyone should read it, reflect on it, and perhaps adopt some behavioral changes to just stop it.

Probably because I've said the same thing. I just didn't get paid for it.

5) I am, for reasons unbeknown to me, having confidence issues that are seeping into aspects of my life in which I've been, up until now, fully confident. This sucks.

6) For the record, because there appears to be some confusion, Acr0nym and I aren't dating, aren't talking about dating, probably ought not to date (at least, not each other). So really, his permission to motorboat the cheese fetus isn't necessary. My permission, on the other hand, is necessary. And we're going to leave that right there, k?

7) Note to self: Try the Ginn Mill. It's in LoDo which makes it questionable. But it's called the Ginn Mill so we'll give it a shot.

8) Schmutzie posted her list of 25 Things I Fear, In No Particular Order yesterday. This list makes me feel way way better about my own list. Because, while I'm irrational about many things, I do not fear the toaster.

I think I'm going to write out my own list...after I make bacon...and then nap.

My Two Front Teeth

I'm making my list for Santa.

Not that Santa actually visits me or anything...not by way of gift exchanges with other people (other than little things with Devo Was Right, Bomb Betsy, and Owen) anyway. Blind Betsy typically sends me Amazon gift certificates for both Christmas and birthday (although I've asked her not to) and Dr. Dave sometimes sends me a check (even though I've asked him to send it to someone who needs it more than me).

But every year I do make a list for Santa Jane - a list of things I need - that act as presents to myself.

So here's my letter to Santa:


Dear Santa,

I think I've been pretty nice this year overall. I mean, well, there were a few things that I suppose, if taken out of context, might appear to be "naughty" but really! I swear, all that gin was totally necessary. Call it my "medication" *wink wink*.

So, I'm hoping you'll still consider me an optimal candidate for gift reception this holiday season. If so, I'd like to offer up the following as appropriate presents for this humble Grotto dweller.

1) A new AC charger for my Samsung Captivate smartphone. Remember how, back in July, you gifted me a half Christmas present of a new smartphone? Well...the battery charger that came with it won't stay plugged into the phone itself. And, seeing as the car battery charger stays put just fine, I think it's just something wrong with the AC charger. So, if you don't mind, that would be first on my list.

2) A new set of speakers for my computer. The speakers I have now are 7 years old and one has finally taken a crap and won't work anymore. Since this is the only source of music I have - except for the aforementioned smartphone which isn't always practical...especially when other people want to listen - I really need a new set of speakers. No fancy schmancy speakers are required. Just a nice reliable set with decent sound will do.

3) New tires for the sensible car would be awesome! And uh...we probably ought to make those happen soon, wouldn't you say, Santa? Otherwise, I'll be walking the 15+ miles to (and then again from) work every day. Or calling you for a ride in the sleigh.

4) And while we're thinking about the car, if you could throw in a new water pump (or is it the fuel pump??? I don't know...some kinda pump) and belts and such that wear out at 100k miles, well, that'd be appreciated too. I suppose the new struts would also come in handy but, you know, I'll take what I can get. That damn car sure does love to accessorize with new shoes and belts. Next thing you know it'll be telling me I shoulda put a ring on it.

5) A plane ticket to New Zealand (and Savannah and Maryland) would totally rock my socks off. An upgrade to business class? Only in my dreams.

I think that's it this year, Santa. I've got all the basics, as usual, covered. I know a raise isn't in the cards again this year but, with a lick and a prayer, there won't be anymore salary cuts and maybe next year I can ask for a raise too.

You're the best!

XO,
Jane...In My Infinite Wisdom

Vacation: The Pre-Game

And by pre-game, I mean laundry. And cleaning. Packing, shaving, toenail painting.

Which reminds me, note to self, even though the bottle of Insta-Dry Top Coat assures me my nails will be dry within 30 seconds after application? It's not really true. Thus, slipping on crocs (don't judge me) within 3 minutes of said application so I can satisfy my nicotine addiction is really not prudent.

Oh well. I painted my nails myself. Trust me, the croc enhancements to the polish were just a bonus.

But don't take my word for it. Here's photographic evidence of my ineptitude with a brush.





However, I'm now 2 glasses of wine in and so starting over is not an option. Anyone with a steady hand and an aptitude for painting busy later?

By the way? I want no comments implying my feet are Flintstone feet. I love my feet. I love your feet. Just...shoosh you.

Anyway.

As I was saying, I'm pre-gaming vacation. I don't know why I felt compelled to clean when I know Lex will be here (burglars take note that the Grotto continues to be occupied) and so the chances of me returning to a bathroom sink covered in shaven head hair is inevitable, I still was in a frenzy much of the day doing just that.

Also? I'm insane. Because truthfully, there was actually no reason why I needed to do 2 extra loads of laundry - towels and sheets - but I did anyway. Because apparently a complete stack of clean washcloths upon return - even though I've got a stack o' clean cloths on hand - is a necessity.  And since I didn't change my sheets so Vinny could be comforted by the smell of me (again, don't judge me...better that than peeing on clean sheets), it really was unnecessary work to wash the spare set.

Somebody stop me.

Please?

The good news is that I'm nearly ready. My bag's mostly packed except my toiletries and my carry on, while empty, is ready to receive the pile o' stuff accumulated next to it.  I'm still struggling with what to wear to accomodate going from 45°F to 85°F with 70% humidity but I suspect it's going to involve layers.

Now?

Now, I'm drinking wine.

And thinking ahead to tomorrow when I head out to the airport at a gawd awful hour where a pre-flight bloody mary (don't judge me) and my mother await me.

I'll be blogging.

I'll be posting (hopefully) every day. I want to record whatever comes to mind - whether it's vacation-related or not - on this adventure.

So be sure to check back before I get back from fantasy island.

"Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take ya
Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama [that would be me]
Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go"

I'm taking my camera. But don't let that stop you from reading my posts.

Notes to Self

1. Hormones and alcohol are not a wise combination.

2. No matter what the label says, the mascara is not waterproof.

3. Please remember, Jane, you are lactose intolerant.

4. Hormones, stress, alcohol, and human interactions are really not a wise combination.

5. Most people will not ever get it. This is OK and has nothing to do with you.

6. If you're going to insist on mucking about in other people's shit, don't be surprised when you feel like shit.

7. There is no such thing as altruism. At best, there is enlightened self-interest.

8. Predictive text will continue to think you mean "pkwy dike" when you really mean "okey doke".

9. Predictive text will also continue to think you mean "puffed" when, in fact, you really mean "pissed".

10. You fail only when you stop trying.

Stuffed with Good...er...Stuff

I would love to regale you with the tales of my weekend because it was fabulous!

There was wine and then more wine and incredible cheese and beer. There are two more wine bars that were explored and about which I want to rave and tell you to Go! Now! Go!

There was quality time spent with lovely friends - some I'd not seen in what felt like ages.

There were some truly random, surreal texts this morning that have me feeling a bit off balance.

But the fact is I am a sleepyhead who enjoyed a quiet afternoon on a shady patio and then stuffed with Peej's incredible beef stroganoff which was topped off with The Religious Experience cake.

I'm carbed out, wined out, and my head is ready for the cradle of a pillow, a snuggly cat, and a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow. There will be detailed stories of wine, women, and song.

I promise.

Tonight though, tonight is just for me.

Oh yes, as a note to myself: there is something to be said for finesse. A zen stick isn't necessary when a caress will do.

Notes to Self

While walking/jogging 13 miles in two days seems like a really grand idea?

In reality, it is not.

My ass hurts.

So do my quads.

And now so does my face.

Next note to Self: The next time the dentist tells you, Self, that you need to have fillings on both sides of your mouth?

Make sure to schedule two separate appointments - one for each side.

Because no really. The slobber and the feeling of skin-ballooning-up-and-then-sliding-off-your-skull factor caused by novocain is way worse when it's both sides of your face doing it at the same time.

I'm sure I'll get to eat again...

Someday.

And the final note to Self: Test your resting heart rate. 50bpm while lying in the dentist's chair just after novocain injection and just prior to drilling? Ain't normal.

(Re)Production

Walk 5 miles. Check.

Bathe. Check.

Paint toenails. Check.

Love the kitty. Check. Check. Check.

Do dishes. Check.

Have brunch with lovely Kristin. Check.

Buy ice. Check.

Bake a cake. Check.

Do laundry. Check.

Pick up pigsty room. Check.

Boil eggs. Check.

Make lunches. Check.

Set up pot roast for tomorrow night's supper in the crock pot. Check.

Cook dinner...uhm not yet.

Avoid doing anymore paperwork by blogging incessantly. Check and Check.

This has been a long, full, productive day and it's not over yet.

At least I also managed to squeeze in a naked nap.

This Blog Post Was Brought to You By a Good Night's Sleep

Do you want to know what happens when I go to bed stone cold sober at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night?

I wake up at 5, walk 5 miles, and don't need to apply a pound of concealer under my eyes before I go to brunch.

I shall have a P17 Bloody Mary at brunch today and feel not one ounce of guilt.


PS I bought large yoga pants and t-shirts yesterday and I'm wearing them to brunch today.

Not XXL. Not XL. One L, no X.

Thank you. Thank you very much.