Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Miami Vice(s)

Our cruise departs from Miami.

That'd be in Florida.

I've never been to Florida.

I've never wanted to actually go to Florida...until now.

Generally speaking, I avoid hot, humid places - even saunas that I can escape by simply walking out a door.

Also? Generally speaking, I avoid places overrun with children and cartoon characters.

But Miami is different.

When I think of Miami, I think of white, cotton blazers and men in sandals carrying pistols. I think of Dexter. I think of The Bird Cage and especially Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as the best straight gay couple on the planet. I think of Latin music, Cuban food, brightly colored buildings, and, for some reason, drugs and cocktails.

We're arriving the day before our cruise - leaving nothing to chance - so we'll have a little time to experience some of the pleasures Miami has to offer.

As a consequence, it was important to me to stay at a hotel that was A) on/near the beach and B) in the Art Deco District.

And we found one that is nice as well as affordable and 2 blocks from the beach.

My long time friend, Chad, is coming up from Ft. Lauderdale that afternoon/evening to entertain us. I've not seen him in years. I'm anxious to see him as we are awesome2 (read as awesome squared...awesome is not footnoted so you've missed nothing just keep reading) when we're together.

It's all coming along nicely. And I cannot wait to blow this joint and go south...something I never thought I'd say out loud.

I wonder though if I'll encounter any alligators. I hope not but, just in case, I'll be practicing my zigzag run1 and big arm waving2 for the next 3 months.

So if you see me zigzag running and waving my arms and screaming "Big Arms! Big Arms!" Don't be alarmed. It's only a drill.

1: The zigzag run is allegedly how one escapes an alligator attack. However, anyone who's ever studied Geometry would know that the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line and I contend that if the alligator is moving in a straight line and I'm zigzagging? Eventually, said alligator will make a meal outta me. But who am I to argue with a native Floridian...in less, of course, the zigzag run was M. Blair's idea of humiliation.

2: The big arms thing is my own spin on alligator defense. While M. Blair assures me that alligators are not phased by big arms, I think one can never be too cautious.

1 comment:

zero hour said...

as I have survived an alligator attack, I will be more than happy to advise you before your departure...not that any swanky gators will be strolling down Collins Avenue or A1A in their Miami vice white suits....but ya never know..
tee hee..