This morning, I seriously contemplated putting a lid on Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom.
I can't pinpoint precisely why, only some of why.
A) I've barely been blogging.
B) What little I've been blogging about feels mostly like angsty, crazy talk and I don't think I'm quite that angsty or crazy...uh...I don't think. At least, not yet.
C) It mostly feels unmanageable right now with work, socializing, and writing other stuff.
D) I don't feel funny anymore when I sit down to write here. Maybe my funny's being used up in my other writing. Maybe I'm not funny *gasp*. Wait...Scratch that. I'm totally funny. Stop mocking me. I am too funny!
E) I've directed a few people here who wanted to get to know me and, all of a sudden, I feel exposed in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Obviously, I'm not censoring myself any more than usual so that isn't the problem. Wait...maybe that's precisely the problem. I'm not censoring myself nearly enough. The blogging boundaries I set for myself years ago feel blurred all of a sudden and I'm never quite sure whether I've crossed them or not.
Hence, the deleted post the other night. Hence, why I have so many unfinished posts in my drafts folder.
Perhaps that's the true reason why I would even consider closing up shop and moving on to some other blog I created where no one knew my name. Because when I feel vulnerable and exposed, when I feel unsafe, I strap on my virtual running shoes and make a break for it.
Huh. I think I just stumbled on the problem.
This blog has never had a theme. It isn't something I'm trying to make money at doing. It's not about building an audience or compromising my integrity or writing about topics I couldn't give a Vinny shit less about. It has rarely been about politics, feminism, or celebrity gossip. It's mostly been about me...my trials and tribulations as a single woman navigating the world as a modern spinster. It is me...and my infinite wisdoms. Exposed. Vulnerable. Funny, lovely, sad, grief-stricken, cuckoo-crazy, traumatized, excited, bewildered, judgmental, angry, disgusted, hopeful, grateful, full of infinite love, thoughtful. All that I am and more. I've never pretended to be good at this venue. I've been hard pressed to call myself a blogger. Blogging is not something I am even though the blog is chock full o' who I am. Instead, it's something I do.
The question is...do I want to do it anymore?
And then I think about the time (not just my own) and money that has gone into revamping this blog, moving it to a different platform and a self-hosted server, giving it a fresh header and a bit of a different look and feel...all of that has been done. I just have to make the switch over. I think about the new business cards that just arrived...the ones that promote Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom on one side and Sharp Pointy Objects on the other. Do I really want to start all over again?
Because, realistically, I would. Start all over again, I mean. If I closed up shop here, you'd find me somewhere else...at Jane Is a Mean Horrible Bitch, Bourbon and Shame, or maybe I'd steal Snot Faucet away from Acr0nym (I was, after all, the one who came up with that domain). Just like I did when I left livejournal for here, or livejournal for myspace, or friendster for livejournal.
And every time, the same things are apparent...
I am infinitely:
I am wise, you know. Even if I don't always feel like I am sometimes. Even if I joke tongue-in-cheek about it. I am.
And so I think I'll stay. For now. Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom is, after all, me. I didn't know how wisely I'd chosen when I picked that name until right at this very moment.
I may not accept that I am "just" a blogger. But my blog is me. This blog is who I am. Infinitely WISE and also *cough* wise *cough*.
Do I contradict myself?
Very well I contradict myself -
I am large - I contain multitudes.