Monday, August 27, 2012

Decisions Decisions

This morning, I seriously contemplated putting a lid on Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom.

I can't pinpoint precisely why, only some of why.

A) I've barely been blogging.
B) What little I've been blogging about feels mostly like angsty, crazy talk and I don't think I'm quite that angsty or crazy...uh...I don't think. At least, not yet.
C) It mostly feels unmanageable right now with work, socializing, and writing other stuff.
D) I don't feel funny anymore when I sit down to write here. Maybe my funny's being used up in my other writing. Maybe I'm not funny *gasp*. Wait...Scratch that. I'm totally funny. Stop mocking me. I am too funny!
E) I've directed a few people here who wanted to get to know me and, all of a sudden, I feel exposed in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Obviously, I'm not censoring myself any more than usual so that isn't the problem. Wait...maybe that's precisely the problem. I'm not censoring myself nearly enough. The blogging boundaries I set for myself years ago feel blurred all of a sudden and I'm never quite sure whether I've crossed them or not.

Hence, the deleted post the other night. Hence, why I have so many unfinished posts in my drafts folder.

Perhaps that's the true reason why I would even consider closing up shop and moving on to some other blog I created where no one knew my name. Because when I feel vulnerable and exposed, when I feel unsafe, I strap on my virtual running shoes and make a break for it.

Huh. I think I just stumbled on the problem.

This blog has never had a theme. It isn't something I'm trying to make money at doing. It's not about building an audience or compromising my integrity or writing about topics I couldn't give a Vinny shit less about. It has rarely been about politics, feminism, or celebrity gossip. It's mostly been about me...my trials and tribulations as a single woman navigating the world as a modern spinster. It is me...and my infinite wisdoms. Exposed. Vulnerable. Funny, lovely, sad, grief-stricken, cuckoo-crazy, traumatized, excited, bewildered, judgmental, angry, disgusted, hopeful, grateful, full of infinite love, thoughtful. All that I am and more. I've never pretended to be good at this venue. I've been hard pressed to call myself a blogger. Blogging is not something I am even though the blog is chock full o' who I am. Instead, it's something I do. 

The question is...do I want to do it anymore?

And then I think about the time (not just my own) and money that has gone into revamping this blog, moving it to a different platform and a self-hosted server, giving it a fresh header and a bit of a different look and feel...all of that has been done. I just have to make the switch over. I think about the new business cards that just arrived...the ones that promote Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom on one side and Sharp Pointy Objects on the other. Do I really want to start all over again?

Because, realistically, I would. Start all over again, I mean. If I closed up shop here, you'd find me somewhere else...at Jane Is a Mean Horrible Bitch, Bourbon and Shame, or maybe I'd steal Snot Faucet away from Acr0nym (I was, after all, the one who came up with that domain). Just like I did when I left livejournal for here, or livejournal for myspace, or friendster for livejournal.

And every time, the same things are apparent...

I am infinitely:

Lost
Lovely
Disgusted
Thoughtful
Humbled
Bewildered
Terrified
Crazy
Silly
Loving
Traumatized
Generous
Judgmental
Mean-spirited
Remorseful
Lonely
Awed
Self-deprecating
Brilliant
Dumb
Confused
Respected
Disrespectful

...and Wise.

I am wise, you know. Even if I don't always feel like I am sometimes. Even if I joke tongue-in-cheek about it. I am. 

And so I think I'll stay. For now. Jane In Her Infinite Wisdom is, after all, me. I didn't know how wisely I'd chosen when I picked that name until right at this very moment.

I may not accept that I am "just" a blogger. But my blog is me. This blog is who I am. Infinitely WISE and also *cough* wise *cough*.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well I contradict myself - 
I am large - I contain multitudes.
                            -Walt Whitman



9 comments:

Teresa said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-l5FyA3pgo

Gaelyn said...

Hope you don't think you have an exclusive on any of these:
Lost
Lovely
Disgusted
Thoughtful
Humbled
Bewildered
Terrified
Crazy
Silly
Loving
Traumatized
Generous
Judgmental
Mean-spirited
Remorseful
Lonely
Awed
Self-deprecating
Brilliant
Dumb
Confused
Respected
Disrespectful

...and Wise.

Glad your going to stay. This time. For awhile.

Graciewilde said...

Ugh. We are sistahs in sprit - and listen to Gaelyn - we are all of these things. I sometimes consider shutting up shop too - mostly I consider just plain disappearing. And sometimes I do for awhile - I know I stop talking. I know I do my best to vanish - and yet still go to work and do my job (which is about being highly visible - go figure). I would miss you a lot if you disappeared.

nakedjen said...

Ha. Ha. Ha.

" It is me...and my infinite wisdoms. Exposed. Vulnerable. Funny, lovely, sad, grief-stricken, cuckoo-crazy, traumatized, excited, bewildered, judgmental, angry, disgusted, hopeful, grateful, full of infinite love, thoughtful."

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing really loudly, from all the way over here in Salt Lake, with you. Because, lady, I could have written exactly that and I am, quite literally, driving my own professor CRAZY with my own inability right now to sort out what the fuck to do with my blog.

You wouldn't believe the crazy over here. Except that I know that you would.

I love you. Thank you for staying on the Internet. It needs you. xo

alienbody said...

I totally get it...totally. I've been feeling the same about writing/blogging/reading/breathing lately. Just feeling...meh. I hope that changes soon - for both of us. I've been lurking, not really commenting, but I'm still out here watching you. {creepy that) I'd miss you bunches of muches if your infinite wisdom went wayward. Please stay.

Word Nerd said...

You are wise. Definitely wise. You're funny, too. You're all sorts of wonderful and really, I think a lot of that wonderful stems from the fact that you are multidimensional.

I don't want to read some phony crap from someone who never doubts, never rails against the world and themselves. Not only is that some seriously boring shit, but it's never real and on the super-off chance that it is, I still wouldn't want to read it because it would only serve to magnify my imperfections and really, who wants that?!

I hope you don't close up shop. I like it here. I'm sure I'd like it over at Bourbon and Shame, too, but things here are good. Write whenever you feel like it. Don't when you don't.

I need to print those last two sentences and read them to myself every day, maybe several times a day. I've been in non-bloggy mode, too, and I've been less than happy with myself about it.

Liz Baumann said...

A. So there are at least 4 of us who feel this way lately. I thought I was being shy.
B. If you ever "put a lid on it" just make sure you don't throw away the jar; rather, put it on the shelf awhile and please open it up again when you're ready and share, because what comes out will have been marinated quite nicely.
C. it's not about them, it's about you... but I think you get that.
D. THANKS! :)

Melanie said...

Please stay! We are on the same wavelength as usual. I've been wondering about my blog since I'm off writing a book. But I love blogging, and I believe I will be back at it, even if not as regularly.
Bloggin R GOOD!
xoxo

Margi said...

You and I are on the same page, my friend. Should I stay or should I go? I've had the following thoughts running around my head lately.

* I would like to make my blog more professional.
* I'm not doing this to make money.
* I can't write about [insert topic here] because my family/friends/in-laws/people I've never met in 3D read this.
* This blog is mine, it's my space to be me and I shouldn't have to censor it.
* I don't want to be one of those blogs that just whines and complains all the time.
* This blog is mine. It's my space to me be and I shouldn't censor it.
* I'd like to write more like [insert name of awesome blogger here].
* This blog is mine, it's my space to be me and that's all I can be.
* How do I get more readers?
* This blog is my space to be me.
* Does anyone even read what I write anymore?
* It's not about them, dammit.
* Maybe I shouldn't write this after all. I'll just save that as a draft and come back to it later.

I think I'm simultaneously talking myself into and out of keeping a blog at all.