Whereby My Fashion Ability (What Little I Have) Was All But Destroyed by Spandex

A few years back, I bought a pair of jeans.

And these weren't just any jeans. These were jeans off the "rack" at Eddie Bauer.

You know, the normal size people store?

Yeah.

And, I must confess, they didn't fit when I bought them. Sure I could get them over my hips and ass but buttoning was out of the question.

I bought them anyway.

And they became my incentive jeans. You know the ones, the jeans in which you buy to work as an incentive to lose the weight to be able to fit into them?

Yeah.

That didn't work so well.

Because I never did get small enough to get into those jeans...

At least, not until now.

And now they slide right on, button right up, no muffin top, no oh-my-god-of-all-things-painfully-tight-I-can't-breathe.

They fit, in a word, perfectly...bordering on almost too big.

And I won't wear them.

You want to know why?

Spandex.

There isn't any in them.

These are just plain old run of the mill cotton denim jeans.

Which means, when I sit down, they go from feeling a half size too big to feeling a size too small. And that, internet friends, is uncomfortable.

They don't look too small. If you saw me in them you might tell me it's time to buy newer, smaller jeans. But that measly 4% spandex makes all the comfort difference, y'all.

At least, it does to me. Because, you see, over the years, I've been fat and I've been fat as hell, and then I've been beastly fat and when that happens something else happens to clothing available in the fat as hell and beastly fat sizes...

They add spandex to everything.

And that shit is REALLY F-ing COMFORTABLE!

And now, when the clothing world is about to be my oyster, I must confess that I am hard pressed to buy something without a little give to it...no matter how awesome it looks.

Because really?

I've already sacrificed comfort for the sake of beauty in the sheer number of torturous hours exercising in 95° heat and by denying myself cake and mashed potatoes.

I won't sacrifice comfort for beauty in clothing too.

Luckily, I don't believe I'll have to...entirely.

Although, if the right pair of heeled wide calf go go boots come my way? I might have to say yes to that discomfort too.