Sunday, March 27, 2011


I zoinked this from The Church of Just Stop It's FB Page. Source unknown.

I've been spending a lot of time in my head for the last couple of months. Since #reverb10, to be honest. While I'm all about introspection and self-awareness, I'll also be the first to admit that there's only so much emotional work I can do before I have to mentally rest, recover, and incorporate what I've learned before I'm ready to tackle anything else.

Over the last couple of years, I've been at rest and feeling good about where I was on many levels. Additionally, I was at a place to teach what I'd learned and fully enjoy the fruits of my internal labor. I was feeling confident, content, less anxious (I know. Hard to believe).

But the work is far from over.

#reverb10 put me in the frame of mind for more work, true. I thought it would be my finances. And then, to my surprise, an old demon...perhaps the oldest...reared its head. Money would have been way too easy *sigh*.

So, I went to my mental closet, unlocked the door, and started rooting around, peering into boxes, dusting them off, brushing off cobwebs and found what I was looking for tucked way way back in the darkest corner and marked "Fragile" (must be Italian).

It's a really really big box.

But the timing is also so very very matter what I might say at any particular uncomfortable moment in time.

I've got the full love and support of Lex who has been right there at each angsty step. The steps are tentative but I'm starting to really muck about in the guts of it and am surprised to find strength and courage to take the next step even when I reach a particularly difficult one. Strength and courage due, in large part, to his enormous shoulders.

I've also found the most surprising support from Peej who, even though she hasn't been privy to the exact nature of what I'm doing, has become a dispensary of sage advice when she tells me to, "Breathe. Just let it happen." Wise, wise words from the grasshoppa who somehow became a master when I wasn't looking.

There's also Acr0nym who, without knowing anything, just picks up the soggy, weepy mess of a gin-soaked girl without asking questions, loads her into the "Intrepid" and safely escorts her home. And then tells her he loves her (HA! Third person, Peej. See? Awesome).

And finally there's Batman who, also without knowing it, triggered a mind/body connection I'd never had I'd wanted and tried to achieve on multiple occasions without success...simply by being him. I was ripe for it. And, while I know he isn't the cause, he's definitely the trigger of a powerful, astonishing, beautiful thing. I don't know that I could have made the connection without him. Grateful doesn't begin to touch what I feel.

But I also feel a few other things right now and that's why I'm writing this tonight.

I'm, most of the time, feeling extraordinarily vulnerable and terrified. Because of that, I'm not nearly so confident or self-assured. I'm distracted and out of sorts. I'm probably not listening very well. I'm conflicted and confused. I'm probably spinning. I'm likely not talking about anything of substance to most of you.

The zen stick, mostly, has been re-purposed and reserved for use on my own self for the time being.

This is OK with me. It's a good thing. It's time. Past time.

I'm excited and hopeful too. Scared, oh hell yes. But hopeful and glad and mad and sad and any number of "-ads".

But I'm going to ask for a favor from all of you. It's really really important or I wouldn't ask at all. I'm going to ask you to be patient with me...just for a little while. I might say things that sound strange. I may ask for things you're not used to being asked for from me. I may come in to your bedroom (Lex) and rub your bald head and then turn around and leave with no explanation. I might cry uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. I might curl up in a (figurative or literal) little ball and ask you who the hell you think you are. I might ask you (Mark) to do it once more...with feeling. I may tell you I'm not alright.

I'm not alright. I'm working on great.

You might think I'm being self-destructive. Only in the sense that I'm re-constructing what should have been in the first place.

I'm asking for your patience and for your support. I don't expect it. But I'm going to hope you'll give it...freely.

'k thanks. Bye.

1 comment:

Diva said...

"There is beauty in the destruction of the self." - the Divine Miss M (the grasshoppa who became the master when *I* wasn't looking).