Monday, December 05, 2011

Veruca Salty

I want a party.

Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons...and...give it to me NOW!

Well no, not literally right now (which is probably the only thing that separates me from Veruca Salt at this precise moment). Currently, I'm in my pajamas, wrapped in my tattered, pink bathrobe and huddled in front of the space heater trying to combat the drafts in this forsaken Grotto basement because the temperature outside is 0º. A big fat golden goose egg temperature...a rotten goose egg. Party-perfect picture would not describe me in my current state.

But I do want a party.

I want that huge blowout with custom-designed and engraved invitations, a DJ, an open bar stocked with only top shelf liquor, black tie and ball gowns, and cake! I want a really big cake! That I didn't bake! Made out of dreams and whipped cream.

You know, throughout my lifetime, I've not done one single, solitary thing the "ordinary" way to warrant this kind of party pretty much ever.

My "sweet" 16 found me in the hospital.
I didn't graduate from high school.
Prom was a disaster. Perhaps not on the scale of Carrie White disaster but still a night I'd just like to erase from all future memory lane strolls.
I never married.

Carrie White (photo credit: fanpop)...prom wasn't QUITE this bad...but close.

I'm not saying I haven't had any fun because holy shitsnax, People! I've had LOADS of fun! But I've never had a blowout party that was just for me.

I've been thinking about this for awhile. Maybe because my 40th birthday approaches (rapidly EEK!). In reality though, I've thought about it off and on for years. I once faux-proposed to a friend for the sole purpose of needing a partner-in-crime to do catering and cake tastings. I can't very well interview caterers for my faux-wedding without a faux-fiancé, now can I?

No. I most assuredly cannot.

Unfortunately, he declined. Probably because he'd already been married once and the whole experience was old hat to him. Meh. Whatever, spoil sport.

So, I suppose, faux-wedding reception is out.

However! Yesterday, Kris at Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino, posted about attending a memorial service and said this...

I went to a memorial service today. It was magnificent. Top shelf liquor, a room full of colleagues and friends, a vibrant program printed in reds and greens. I don’t recall the last time I went to something like this, but I think we should do them more often. As is a popular opinion, I think we should hold them when we’re living, perhaps three-quarters of the way through the expected life span, so that the honoree can hear all the beautiful things their loved ones say about them.

And I thought to myself, "Huh. Maybe I should throw a wake for myself?"

Except no. Because wow! Weird. And also? The part about listening to all the beautiful things loved ones might say about me fills me with abject horror. What if no one comes? What if no one has anything nice to say? What if...what if it's just ME there, in my infinite wisdom? Worse! What if lots of people come and I have to listen to and accept, graciously, all the nice things said about me? I'd die of self-conscious embarrassment making it a real wake for the dead rather than the living.

No. Thank. You.


I still want a party just for me.

I want to dress in a ball gown made out of scrumptious, deep, satiny purple. I want the guests to be required to come in the jewel tone color of their choice - ruby red, sapphire blue, emerald green. And! I want all the women to wear hats as if they were going to Ascot a la My Fair Lady.

I want orangutans serving canapés while dressed in top hats and tails. Because really? Who doesn't love an orangutan? Especially one in top hat and tails?

I don't want a date to this party. I want my dance card - I'll happily take ballroom dance lessons - to be filled with any number of male and female and queer admirers! Who will dance with me to Chaka Khan and Rufus...

Or maybe Journey...

And especially ABBA...

Can we actually ballroom dance to these kinds of songs? Hmmm...probably not.


I want a party.

I don't think I'll ever get one. Still...I want one. And I want it now (but not literally NOW).

I want a party with roomfuls of laughter. 10,000 tons of ice cream. And if I don't get the things I am after, I'm going to scream! I want the works! I want the WHOLE works! Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises of all shapes and sizes. And now? Don't care how I want it now!

Is that too much to ask?


TangledLou said...

I would so go to that party. Full-throated agreement from this quarter that yes indeedy, there must needs be more parties like that. I'm killer in a jewel-toned ball gown. I'd even shave! Send me an engraved invite and I'll be there with bells in all the appropriate places.

Anonymous said...

Well, shit! I want to go to this party, too. And a really big cake made out of dreams and whipped cream? Yes, please.

With Frances, we're up to three people for ballroom dance classes now.

MsSparrow said...

I say do it. Plan for it. I've been thinking about doing some sort of big bash for my 35th actually. I also have never once had a big bash that was just for me. I went to prom and it was totally meh. I suspect that there are a finite amount of people that really have a fantastic time at prom...

Anyway, I figure about 2 years should give me enough time to save up the money and actually plan the damned thing. So yeah, I say start saving pennies, make a plan for a special event. Shit even if it isn't a huge, insane, renting a ballroom sort of event you can have a smaller event that is just for you, you can have people dress up in black tie and ballgowns. Something tells me that a lot of people would enjoy that as we almost never really get an opportunity to dress up as pretty, pretty princesses and princes.

Masked Mom said...

I vote yes. Although if I do get an invitation, I'll probably need your nephew's help applying makeup for this fancy shindig.

Just Jane said...

Y'all are totally invited! I think my nephew would be VERY busy putting all us lovely ladies together :).

Gaelyn said...

This sounds like a great idea. Now I Want to have a party too. I So think you should throw yourself a party. Go all out. Invite everyone you know, real and virtual. Please do it! Set an example. But will you do it someplace warm so I can be there. ;)

Michael said...

If I get invited I'll buy a new shirt!

Anonymous said...

I’ve awarded you for your utter awesomeness (and for the chance that you might repay me with cookies). Just clickety-click to collect your goodies.

You realize, of course, that by ‘goodies,’ I mean a pic that you totally could have swiped anyway and not felt any obligation to meet the demands that come with being an award winner, right? Yeah, I thought so.

Lucy said...

I'm in!!! I so would be at YOUR party dressed in My Fair Lady attire dancing to ABBA and Oh, how I love 'Lovin,Touchin and Squeezin'
Do, it and I flying to your bash!!!!

alienbody said...

I'd totally pretend to be engaged to you and then go cake tasting! Now, I need a job so that I can afford airfare, plus I have a childhood friend that lives in Denver who's husband is a former chef who could cook for me and...and...there's beer there, lots of it. And...I've completely forgotten where I was going with this. Did you miss me - it's been days since I've commented.

My dress would be something very red and corset-like, I'd push the girls all the way up under my chin...or under one of my chins. I'd wear a that would need to enter the room before me and require its own chair at the dining table. I'd need an attendant to feed me as well, because the boobage would get in the way and I wouldn't be able to see my plate. If you could make him look like Karl Urban, I'd be most appreciative. Oh my golly, I just loved this post. I hope I get an invite to that party.