Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I'm OK

I'm OK.

But I got the first real look at the scope of things last night when I made Lex take a picture.

I won't be posting it here because A) I suspect I could be in trouble with blogger for posting inappropriate images and B) I really do enjoy having people read my blog and don't want y'all to squick and never read me again. So, instead, I've taken a current picture of me (or, at least, one from the Nerd Crawl in September) and drew in exactly where the cut is in relation to my face as well as the 27 stitches it took to pull it back into place.


*takes bow*

I've spent much of last night and today feeling weepy, lost, sad. Much of this, I'm certain, is due to having been in shock. But I'm also having a difficult time comprehending - now that I've seen it - just how fortunate I am that I didn't lose my eye. I close my eyes to sleep and I can imagine it and that's terrifying.

I won't be going back to work until the stitches come out at the end of this week. It's not vanity. Honestly, I gave up the idea of physical beauty long ago - that's not how I'm beautiful. I just don't want to have to answer a lot of questions right now - questions I can't answer and maybe don't want to answer because the answers are embarrassing - and presenting myself with either a ginormous bandage that covers half my face or, worse, all the very distinct black stitches begs people to ask, "Holy shit! What happened to your face?!"

On the bright side, I am being cocooned, protected, and very well cared for by Lex who has cooked every meal for me, lovingly changed my dressings 3 times a day, taken care of the dishes, and made sure I was eating. He took the day off work today to make sure I wasn't alone at any point.

Modchen and #himself have continued to offer up their services to me and made a much needed run to Wal-Greens for supplies on icy streets in the cold last night.

Peej came over to clean our house tonight after having worked all day - making a special point to do it now, while I'm feeling lost, because she knows just how important it is to have a clean house when you're down and out.

Acr0nym has been working to finish up the first episode of the podcast on his own so that I can have that finished and off my plate of worries. He's also promised to come see me on Wednesday. He might even bring Spux. This makes me very very happy.

My boss and assistant managed to convince a floral shop to deliver me a last minute bouquet of lovely daisies and roses - the day before Valentine's Day no less - in sunny yellows and cheerful white.

Finally, I have Noodle here with me now. He fixed me supper and we're lounging in pajamas and in a few minutes I'm going to get held and everything's going to be OK.

I'm OK.

PS As an aside, before this happened on Saturday night, I'd been listening to the 2nd edit of the podcast. At one point, the Divatologist mentions how much she loves her hysterectomy scar - that scars are tattoos with better stories. I talked about what made me beautiful if not physical beauty. The irony is not lost on me.


bete-noire said...

"I've spent much of last night and today feeling weepy, lost, sad. Much of this, I'm certain, is due to having been in shock. "

when i first heard i was picturing something like steven's arm, a total disaster; or maybe some thing like his leg. thank god it isn't either of those. (i have already written and burned the To Whom It May Concern note.)

i'm probably going to go with that, the delayed-shock effect, as a result of YEAH, IT'S YOUR FACE.

and no, you're right, it's not a matter of vanity; it's a matter of identity. no matter how non-identified with the body you are, it's still YOUR FACE. you now have a certain brutally incontrovertible temenos between before now and after.

personally, i think it's gonna be pretty fucking devil-may-care badass. but it will, assuredly, be different. maybe a little. maybe more than that. but regardless, it won't be more important than a geological point of interest, because to people who know you, what you walk around in is less important than what's inside the vehicle, and always has been, and always will be.


Judy said...

I loved your comment about how you are beautiful, and it's not defined by your looks. Bottle that and sell it . . . or better yet, give it away!

TangledLou said...

Oh my goodness! I'm glad you're OK. I will resist the urge to ask what happened. I have 3 scars on my face and they help make me who I am. You, and your stitches, are beautiful.

Gaelyn said...

So right that beauty is not the face, but what so obviously radiates from your being.

Sure glad you are being coddled. Take advantage of that while you can.

I had company for the last 4 days and still haven't made your earvines. I'll get on it.

Keep taking care of yourself.

cdnkaro said...

Glad to learn you are ok and also that you have such a fantastic group of people supporting you. Agreed: beauty and identity are not one in the same!

NGS said...

Oh, no! I'm just catching up on my reader after a few days of slacking. I am glad you're okay!

Unknown said...

The drawing was an inspired idea for those of us so far away and so worried! There was no concussion, right?
So thankful that you have such an excellent group of friends nearby who know what to do to make a girl comfortable.
Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. Here's a gentle hug!

Laine Griffin said...

Hugs lady!!!! I'm so glad you have so many caring friends to help out!

Bunny said...

Poor baby! What the hell happened to you? (Ok, now's your chance to make up a really awesome story...it's not the scar that matters it's the lies you can tell people who ask about it!)

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! Are we gonna have to get you a hockey mask and have you wear it all the time in order to avoid further facial injuries?? Hang in there!