1) My ability to self-flagellate astounds me.
I mean, while I do take a perverse sense of pride in just how well I beat myself to a bloody pulp and am confident if it were an Olympic sport I would, at the very least, take a place on the podium, it's a rather disturbing skill to have honed. One I could do without. But, just like it's kind of comforting in an ouchy way to pick a scab until it bleeds, it's also strangely soothing to poke and poke and poke at my emotional guts until I throw up (figuratively speaking).
So that's how I've spent this fine Saturday. How about you?
2) Yesterday, I did something very exciting. I paid off the balance due on my second to last credit card leaving one last card to shovel out from under and then I'm debt free. Of course, I saved the largest for last and boy is it a whopper! But I'm proud to say more than $10,000 in debt is gone. Forever. I think I probably ought to feel much more accomplished than I do. Certainly it feels good to have gotten this far and the heavy weight of carrying around the crushing amount I started with has lifted but I don't seem to feel much of anything at all. Perhaps it's that there is no tangible proof that it's gone except seeing the $0 balance due when I log in to my account. Otherwise, the money I was putting toward all the rest of my debt up until now will be funneled into huge chunks on this remaining piece. I don't feel like I've achieved anything when I still feel broke.
Which leads me to...
3) It occurred to me recently - now that I'm entirely out of my funky cold depression - that a significant portion of why I felt so craptastic all of last year is because I have been a long-term patient of retail therapists for years and, starting at the beginning of 2011, I couldn't indulge in my favorite brand of therapy. Now, I don't spend money in the usual way of buying material things for myself like shoes, books, and cat shirts but I've always been overly generous when it comes to spending money on friends - drinks, meals out, presents - and donating to causes that strike an emotional or intellectual chord. Once I stopped allowing for that kind of behavior so as to get out of debt, I took away a major coping mechanism...one that also had strong ties to who I am as a social, kind, and generous being.
Once I had this epiphany, I went a little crazy with the spending. I made several donations, spent quite a bit treating friends to oysters on the half shell and sushi, taking non-husbands to lunch, and sporting a bar tab or two. It felt terrific!
But now I have to rein myself back in and put my nose to the grind again. Because I really do want to be debt free. And once I have no more debt, just think of all the fun things I'll get to do! Like...buy all my friends cat shirts! Like this one:
|Spux in the best cat shirt of all time|
That shirt seriously has never failed to cheer me up. I mean, look at it!
*sigh* Fine. I'll stop overspending on the pleasures. But I am giving myself a raise in the Mad Money column. It'll take me awhile longer to pay off the rest of my debt but, I think, in the long run, I'll be happier. It's not a race. It's a journey. A slow, plodding, methodical journey.
4) Do you ever look at your own Facebook profile, specifically at the little section that shows the profile pictures of eight of your friends selected randomly and think to yourself, "I have the most gorgeous, fabulous, crazy cool friends on the planet?" I do. It makes me happy.
5) Have you ever had a conversation with someone and, in hindsight, realize the two of you were not actually having the same conversation which, subsequently led to a weird, hot mess of a misunderstanding? Yeah. About that. I'd like a couple of do overs, if you please.