Monday, August 20, 2012

All in a Day...a Dump of Epic Porportions

1) Today was Day 1 of Final Audit Fieldwork 2012. I also have raging PMS.

Just in case you were wondering, this is not a particularly tasty cocktail mix. It's much more volatile and bitter...similar to a Molotov but without a crisp, citrusy flavor or that lovely, floaty buzz.

2) Newly minted CPA junior auditors are extraordinarily eager to uncover mistakes. They'd like to eat mistakes for breakfast - a Breakfast of Champions. Perhaps I ought to introduce said newly minted CPA junior auditor to bacon. Clearly he's never had any. If he had, he wouldn't be quite so uptight.

3) Upon explaining to a co-worker what an audit is like - having a team of CPAs crawling over every single piece of information you've recorded over the last year - his look of absolute horror when he was able to make the connection to his own job and said, "Oh Baby Jeebus! That'd be like if a team of people said they were going to fact check every single, minute detail of every single story I produced over the course of a year" and then skittered off - was the best part of my day.

4) Here is some advice to the shitty drivers I encountered today...
     * Oh, hai, Mrs. SUV honking and giving me the finger! See, here's the sitch. When I exit the highway on this particular exit, the lane I'm in is an added lane. This means I have no yield. I, in fact, have the right of way. And I know you wanted to get over into my lane but see? You are obligated to merge, politely, I'd request, by slowing, signaling, and moving over when there is a space for you. See how that works?

     * Dear, Half Ton Pick Up Truck Man. As you are approaching the intersection and already have the green light? You don't have to stop! I KNOW, RIGHT?! It's as if you've won the lottery! Green. It means "GO". Do not come to a complete stop. The people behind you thank you.

     * Hey! Mr. Crotch-Rocket-Motorcycle-Guy! There was a single lane dedicated to our direction when you decided to pass me on the right, using the gravel covered shoulder as your lane, even though I was already exceeding the speed limit by at least 5mph. I can totally relate to being busy and important - you obviously exude VIP status in those red Chucks - but no one is quite that important. By the way? The helmet is an adorable nod to safety but, trust me, when you dump that bike at a high rate of speed wearing only jeans, a wife beater, and sneakers? You're going to wish you hadn't had the helmet on. xo

     * And finally, you, you sweet, little, young thing who has been, I'm guessing, grocery shopping for your even more adorable sweet, little, old and infirm grandmother. It is quite obvious I need to explain something to you about lane definition. You see, when there are two distinct lanes at the exit of the grocery store - both conveniently designated with a left arrow and a right arrow respectively - that means you ought to pick the one in the direction you'd like to turn onto that insanely busy street without the benefit of a light. Straddling the white line separating the two, even when you don't specify which direction you're turning by considerately turning on your blinker, does not assign you the right to turn either way at your discretion. What it means is that you, sweet, little, young thing, are a Supreme ASSHOLE. Get in your designated lane and then, if you please, signal to the people behind, to the side, and to the front of you what you intend to do. It isn't hard really. I promise. Mostly it's just a flick of the wrist. I suspect you exercise your wrist more when you're jacking off your boyfriend to an explosive conclusion.

5) Is driver's ed not something that's required before acquiring a license to operate a motor vehicle anymore??? Or are several drivers - I won't say the majority because I do believe most people are responsible operators - just that self-absorbed?

Don't answer that.

I probably don't want to know

6) If I had a lawn tonight I'd be yelling at kids to get off it.

7) Tony Scott died. I KNOW, RIGHT?! Wait...Who? The director of Top Gun? I thought that guy's name was Harold Faltermeyer. Didn't he direct every action movie in the 80's??? Heh.

Also? There was a guitar in this song??? Are you kidding me?!? Lies, I tell you. All lies.

And, just in case you don't get the Harold Faltermeyer reference there is this...

And this (from Beverly Hills Cop - you know, just in case you aren't in the know or were born after, say, 1982)...

8) Phyllis Diller also died today. While I am sad to see her comedic genius evaporate along with her, I can't say I'm exactly sad. I mean, 95 years is a long time to be sticking it to The Man. So, instead, I have one single wish for how she died. I wish that she fell asleep and dreamed she'd told the ultimate telling of The Aristocrats joke and, that it was so vile, awful, filthy, and funny, instead of fainting, she died.

Please note: whenever I tell someone they...MUST. SEE. THIS. MOVIE? I always do the snap and arm movement of Drew Carey at the end of this trailer.

That, my lovelies, is all.


Laine Griffin said...

I'm glad you were able to turn your day into humor. It was funny to me, anyway! <3

Gaelyn said...

OMG, I hope the audit is over and you get past the road rage. Although I do agree about "some" drivers not having a clue.

Scooter Lass said...

The motorcycle one was GREAT! I had some asshat pass me like that when I was on my scooter starting out from a light. I didn't even know he was there - scared the crap out of me. The best part? Did it right in front of a cop... who just sat there and let him do it, eating his donut, I'm sure. (They have more important things to do like slamming 49CC scooter drivers on "no proof of insurance" they didn't know about... yes, still bitter. ;-) ).