Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Singin' the Post-Con Blues

Bleah.

You know, for weeks pre-DEF CON, there was such a flurry of activity, of socializing, of anticipation and stress and ohmygawd it's nearly time and ohmygawd what am I gonna wear and ohmygawd am I going to come out of this alive stuff going on that I hardly had time to think straight. Then con actually happened and the time in Vegas flew by so fast, I rolled in, blinked, and it was time to roll back out. 

During those fabulous 5 nights we spent there, we were constantly on the go. At first, we were crazy stressed out as we made a mad dash to assemble 100 SkyTalks and 303 badges, deciding how we would distribute them - we were supposed to be mere transport until Spux got sick and handed that task off to Acr0nym and me - and realizing we were a handful of badges short. We'd find out later just how short badges we were as there was a glitch in the ordering system and several people who'd paid for badges weren't on our list. So a good portion of the second day then was spent getting pounded over the head with the decidedly ungenerous words of angry people as we stood helplessly by unable to deliver something we didn't have and weren't ultimately responsible for - christ on a cracker, we were the messengers, people! 

We had what we had, you know?

I'll confess, by Friday night, I'd shed more than one tear and tore into a major asshole over those damn badges. [Side note: If you want to read about the making of the badges, check out Spux's blog post about them. I will state here and now they were extra-specially rad.]

Beyond that though, DEF CON was so great! Truthfully, even the badge fiasco that was 2012 played a part in the time I had. There is something to be said for getting on the emotional roller coaster and riding the peaks and valleys for literally days...not sleeping enough, not eating more than once a day, drinking just a wee bit too much gin, and not questioning what is going to happen next because clearly anything could happen...you know, mostly because it already had.

To come home then, to unceremoniously dump my suitcase out on my bedroom floor and have the knowledge sink in that it's over and feel as though I was at the center of it and yet somehow missed it altogether, to feel as though there is nothing more to look forward to ever again...that's rough.

And that's exactly how it feels.

The first full day back - a week ago today as a matter of fact - was the worst. I'd planned ahead and taken the day off in anticipation that I'd need the decompression time. What I hadn't anticipated was the awful listlessness, loneliness, and overall apathy and malaise. When a handful of us met up at denhac that evening to unload equipment from the 303 party transportation though, it was clear I wasn't alone. 

It was also clear, after talking to the DEF CON veterans, the feeling would eventually pass.

And it has...uh...some.

Friday night helped a little. As usual, a handful of us met at a local pub to eat, drink, and be social. It was made infinitely better for me when Alabama made an extremely rare guest appearance - so rare and special that I gave him my undivided attention almost to the exclusion of everyone else. Even so, it was clear we were, most of us, enmeshed in the discontent that is post-con and ended the night relatively early for the vast majority of us.

Even now, coming down off a PTSD-triggered spin - one I'm fairly certain I actively sought in order to feel something, ANYTHING, aside from post-con empty - I'm still feeling weird and off-kilter.

And yet, I know, there are events coming up to look forward to...the post-apoca-audit party (that totally cannot come too soon), Spux's annual bar crawl, Halloween, the Beaujolais Nouveau night and the 4th Annual Grotto Thanksgiving, my birthday (41 for those keeping track). There is also the promise of a brunch with old and new friends this weekend, a supper with Alabama and his gorgeous family this weekend, a post-DEF CON podcast recording with Acr0nym and me rehashing our experiences. Nephthys and I have some business to attend to as we come up with a new handle for a Very Silly Boy - a task assigned us by Pyr0 and his amused and awesome boss. There is a highly anticipated documentary in the works that will be watched and celebrated. There are visits from a Naked Jen and an Asphodel and an AMANDA FUCKING PALMER concert to attend. There are any number of 303 Fridays to relish, karaoke songs to sing, church o' brunches to be held, friends to hug, gifts to buy, donations to make, and non-husbands to acquire (just kidding...I may be tapped out at 4 plus a work spouse). AND! Next year's DEF CON to plan for. Woot! And WOO HOO!

All of those things are brewing in the back of my head reminding me that LIFE! It's good.

Still...I've got the blues. The post-DEF CON blues. This too shall pass. Until then...

Let me hear you sing it.

3 comments:

Lili St. Cynical said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Masked Mom said...

It's one of the oddest little quirks of human nature that we can tell how good something was by how much we miss it when it's gone. :)

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