Tuesday, September 08, 2009

When Our Love Passed Out on the Couch

I've been extraordinarily fortunate to have had just a few touches with death in my lifetime.

Uncle Freddie.
Aunt Lue.
Two acquaintance friends to suicide.
And then Jeff, one of my closest friends - like my brother, died in a car accident. That was different. It was tragic and a freak accident1 and I finally had a true idea of what real grief from death feels like.

But this...Andy's death is entirely different from anything I've ever experienced. I've known him for 17 years...actively loved him for much of that time.

We weren't right for each other. We fundamentally disagreed on everything. Passion, punk rock music, and literature can only carry a couple so far, you know? Still...that passion never died. It's the reason we fought so often and so fiercely and the reason we kept coming back for more. We saw each other at our absolute worst and even then it was still there - stronger than ever.

We'd both moved on over the last 4 years. Finally. We'd both let it go...the summer romance that started over the fall semester when we were still children and lasted a decade.

And now, especially now, when I have someone new in my life who I like very very much 2, it seemed very remote and removed.

Maybe though, maybe I needed this time to look back, REALLY look back, in order to move forward.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm looking back, flooded with so many memories of all the incredible times...and the bad. I reach the end of one memory and think I'm finally finished crying, and then I remember something else that makes me laugh...and then cry all over again.

Eventually I'll stop for good.

And even now, with all this grief, I'm already looking forward to Friday...and Chris.

1: Jeff died while driving down a little mountain road when a tree, loosened by who knows what, fell onto his car and crushed him.

2: When I got the news about Andy yesterday morning, I was working on a blog entry to introduce you to my views on dating and Chris, the man I've just begun dating. I'm sorry, Chris. It just didn't feel right to talk about my happy feelings under the circumstances. Bear with me.

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