Monday, November 16, 2009

They at the church...they getta married

Lex and I met, I think, about 3 1/2 years ago. It's hard to remember how long ago now because it seems as though he's just always been a part of my life. We've been living together for the last 18 months. We've adopted 2 cats together, re-homed a cat together, poked fun at each other, cried together, laughed together, had lazy Sunday afternoons together. We don't socialize together most of the time anymore...not since we moved into The Grotto...but it's a rare day we don't spend some time together talking or torturing Vinny, the Wonder Cat.

When he and I first met, we talked a lot about relationships and how good relationships should be...mainly because both of us were just getting out of pretty intense relationships that had disintegrated - mostly because those relationships lacked the communication and good boundary skills necessary in a healthy relationship. Out of those conversations came a commitment to remain transparent in our own relationship as friends...

And it's worked very well.

I don't mind telling you that I, albeit subjectively, believe Lex and I have one of the healthiest relationships around. We talk about everything - even when it feels hard we talk about whatever is going on. We don't argue. We've never argued. We're respectful of each other and our divergent viewpoints, rare as they are. We help each other set boundaries. We support each other's decisions. And it's just...comfortable. Nothing hidden. No anxiety. Honest. Loving. Supportive.

Perhaps we have an easier time of it because we do not have a sexually intimate relationship. That was a mutual decision. Neither one of us were ever attracted to the other that way. No seriously. We weren't. Screw Harry & Sally. Men & women can most certainly be the best of friends without ever wanting to even think about going there. So there!

Anyway, this is all so not the point of this entry but there are a lot of you who don't know what Lex and I are to each other. And you need to know for the purpose of the real point of this entry.

Friday night, Lex and I spent the evening relaxing together. Since we'd both decided not to go out and we'd not had a weekend night to ourselves in a long time, it was awesome just to hang out, catch up, and be together.

The topic of conversation came around to our living situation. It'd been on my mind recently...thinking about wanting to maybe look for a different place in the next year or so. I love The Grotto for what it is and it's served our purposes well and on the cheap. But I really want a kitchen with counters...and cupboards...and a full-size refrigerator...maybe even a dishwasher (oh the dream!). I also want a dining room with an actual dining room table and a living room where people can sit on something other than the floor.

So I'd been thinking it might be fabulous to look around for a third roommate and go in together renting a house. When I mentioned it to Lex, he said "Well now, you know, if we're going to go that far, what would you say about buying a house together?" This is something we'd talked about in passing before but never seriously. So we discussed it Friday night in depth.

And then Lex said something to the effect of "You know, if there were practical purposes for getting married, I'd marry you."

Cool! Wait. What?

I'm letting that sink in a little.

And this is where the coolness of the transparency of our relationship comes in. Because my response was "You know, I really am not comfortable talking or even thinking about that right now."

I think...because you know, I love Lex and I know Lex loves me. We've got one of those lifetime friendships here. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

But when I think about marriage...if I can't have both the physical and the emotional intimacy in marriage, then I don't want to be married. I don't even know if I want to get married. I think that physical and emotional intimacy is just as valid, if not more so, in a non-legally binding relationship. Right now, I can explain my relationship with Lex to people and most people at least sort of get it.

But how do I tell a guy I've met off eHarmony "Oh don't mind him. That's just my husband"?

Can anyone say awkward?

So yes, house buying is awesome. Marriage? Uhm...I won't say never but I am also really not interested in thinking about it. Unless there is some very good reason - like health insurance - that says we should.


zero hour said...

I get it.I had that kind of thing with a dear friend when I lived in Florida, oh so many long years ago..
Somthing to envy and something you don't see often enough.

and hey if you dated wouldn't you just look to date a guy into cuckolding or something...LOL

kk said...

I think if you bought a house together and were NOT married, then maybe you BOTH would get the tax break? You might look into it.... owning a house is a lot of work, but a good kind of work. Something that you are investing in. It might get tricky later if one of you decides to move and wants to cash out. Figuring out housing values in a situation like that can be tricky. And if the other one is not in a financial situation to buy out the person leaving, it can get extra tricky.

BTW, you are making me sorely miss my best friend (also a guy, go figure) who lives in SF. It was really really hard leaving SF and there are so many folks there that I miss. I keep trying to get him and his wife to move here, but they are really much better suited to the social environment there.

And, hey, it wouldn't be cuckolding if your 'husband' knew and approved! :)

kk said...

Actually, thinking just now about it, I've realized that I have never had a female 'best friend' but have had a few really great male 'best friends' (and no, there was no sexual attraction, so that's not it). I guess there are fewer female geeks then male ones and I seem to connect best with fellow geeks. Maybe someday I will meet a compatible female to befriend that way....

kk said...

BTW, a couple of friends solved the shared ownership problem by buying a house that had two floors and converting them into seperate legal condos. In practice, they lived in one big house together, but later, they could sell their individual units if one person wanted to move and the other didn't. Actually, that was happening a lot in SF cause the prices of houses in the most desirable areas were so damn high and it was really hard for one person to afford a whole house (even if they were lucky with stock options).

Another way would be for one of you two to buy the place and the other pays rent?

Okay, enough rambling for now... Maybe someday I *should* start my own damn blog.... ;)