Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sometimes Receiving Is Just as Good as Giving

December 18: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

It sounds so simple.

Letting other people take care of me.

In reality though? It's quite possibly one of the hardest things for me to do.

It means, of course, the lack of control, the admitting of weakness, the lowering of carefully crafted and guarded protections. It means acknowledging that I can be, I am, vulnerable to the nth degree.

Oh sure. I am perfectly able to express some of my vulnerability in a variety of ways. But actually allowing action to be taken based on that vulnerability?

Nuh uh.

Being sick the last few days though...I've found myself taking people up on offers to do things for me, to allow them to take care of me, asking (and receiving) assistance from unlikely sources.

There was the AMAZING homemade soup Modchen offered to make for me...and I accepted. The soup was a miracle in a bowl and I feel so much better from having eaten several servings of it. Perhaps the miracle itself was that, when she offered, I said, "Yes, please. And thank you." It came accompanied by several thick slices of the ultimate in cheesy toast. Served on a tray. I suspect she would have brought it to me in bed if she'd had a key to my front door.

And I could cry for her sweet thoughtfulness and generosity.

Then there were the navel oranges, for which I had an overwhelming craving, delivered to my door by the loveliest of all Divas. When she offered to bring them to me, I, at first, was inclined to say no, that's OK. But she wanted to help. Perhaps to repay me for Albuquerque *smile*. So, instead, I told her to bring them if it wasn't any bother. And she totally did. And they made the last couple of days so much easier. When I've been thirsty for something beyond water, I've reached for those oranges time and again. They're nearly gone. And I'm nearly well.

And I could cry for her sweet thoughtfulness and generosity.

But beyond the sickness the past few days...

A dawning awareness came over me last night as I sat and talked to Acr0nym...our weekly Saturday evening chat as we decide whether or not he will be escorting me to Milk...

He takes care of me in so many ways. I don't know why. I don't know why he does or why I let him. And I told him last night, thanked him for it. And then I asked him why he takes care of me like he does.

And he said, "Because we want to take care of you. You're easy to take care of."

And I could cry for his sweet thoughtfulness and generosity.

It really feels good to - every once in awhile - be cared for and not to be the one doing the caring. In return, I suspect, they, like me, get something from the caring. 2010, I let others care for me. In 2011, I'd like to let that happen more...every once in awhile. It feels so good, I could cry...from the thoughtfulness and generosity.


bete-noire said...

yyyyeah, those two flights of stairs were a terrible hardship. ^_^ and i make death-defiance soup every winter. it's like giving your T-cells AK-47s. we ate half of it; i always make it. it's good for keeping you healthy, and good for helping fight things off too, and i hadn't thought to make any until just now. so, we're all riding the synchronicity freeway.

the truth is that it pleases your friends immensely to be able to do things for you, because you /give/ so much that it's nothing more than fairness - i don't know about anyone else, but redressing my sense of fair trade is important to my personal system. and, it just pleases us right out. friendship is like that.

giving is its own pleasure. accepting graciously is allowing other people to experience that, i think. i don't know for sure, because i give like a mad bastard but suck horrifically at accepting anything. so if you want to think that learning to accept graciously, which you do, of course, is its own little miracle, well, right on.


MsSparrow said...

I am so glad that you finally realized it is OKAY to let people take care of you once in awhile. You expend so much of your time and energy on others and yet you fight us SO much when we want to take care of you. Just let it happen and enjoy it woman. We do it because we love you.