Saturday, March 12, 2011

Unintentional Zen Sticks

I've been up since 4 a.m. Awake since...I don't know when. Midnight when the ambulance and firetruck emergency lights began flashing just outside my window maybe - a call to aid someone across the street I think. They weren't here for me in any case.

I know many of my friends hadn't yet slept as I crawled out of bed. Logging onto Facebook, we virtually waved at one another bleary-eyed as we passed. Me looking forward to coffee and cough drops. Them stumbling toward, hopefully, several blissful hours of unconsciousness. It's an odd feeling - that two ships passing in the night feeling. Sometimes it's a funny sort of tickly, glad feeling. Sometimes, like today, it's an ache, like I missed something - something important.

I'm sick again...or still. The sore throat and cough have come back with a vengeance and I can't seem to shake them. No matter. I've still got shit to do and not much time to do it. There is no rest for the wicked after all.

I'm not really wicked...I don't think. Not malicious or unkind...I don't think. Naive sometimes, yes. Too big for my britches sometimes, yes. But even modchen suggested I might want to dose myself liberally from the Psychopathy bottle every once in awhile. It makes the taste of the world a bit more pleasant.

Ms. Maudite at her Ins and Outs of Sins and Pouts said this the other day, "If the role I play turns out to be as a catalyst inspiring another to seek happiness where it is not present now, I will give a stellar performance, even if the outcome doesn’t turn in my favor."

This sentence struck me gently across the face. Catalyst. Unwitting, to be sure. I was just being me. But catalyst all the same. Alas, guilt. Also a part of just being me. Still...sometimes it's a heavy, heavy burden to look back and notice I might have accidentally tripped over that one domino holding all the others in a fragile line. Apologies and "I didn't mean to's" are little solace. Regardless, I'm sorry. I didn't mean me. It just sort of happened.

Janes their infinite wisdoms.


Teresa said...

Amazing always. Thanks for sharing Jane and all of her infinite wisdom with us.

Melissa said...


I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. ;)

Just Jane said...

@Teresa: Thanks, Lovey. Lunch still next week?

@Melissa: Ha! No apologies are necessary. You should never apologize for taps of the zen stick. Especially when they are aimed at yourself and smack someone else on the back swing.