I've turned a corner.
I don't know when precisely but I have...I can feel a palpable change in my entire outlook...an outlook I've fought tooth and nail to keep positive for the last year and have, at times, failed miserably.
There have been a lot of trials and tribulations I've faced over the last 12 months, challenges I've either only been able to allude to or have had to keep mum about altogether here. For the first time, not only am I able to see the light at the end of the tunnel for most of those things as they begin to resolve themselves, but I am also feeling a great infusion of new energy and enthusiasm about new things to come. Professionally and personally.
And energy, it turns out, is pretty important.
Lex and I, we sat down together the other day and had a long talk about balance and energy. He alone knows just how much energy I pour out to other people and various situations, empathizing, taking on more, trying to help. He alone recognizes that, when I'm off balance, my tendency is to put even more energy toward external sources which pulls me even more off center. He alone hears me state and re-state one of my favorite mantras...It's not about me...and then watches me try, as selflessly as I can (because there is no such thing as altruism), put forth extra effort in the endeavors - personally and professionally - of the wonderful people in my life.
So, finally, we talked. And he asked me, "OK. So if 'it' is not about you - 'it' being everything you're putting your heart into - then what are you doing about those things that ARE about you? Because if YOU don't put some energy into yourself, no one else will."
Because there isn't any such thing as altruism. And while I do try to live as selflessly as possible, the only thing that's truly possible is enlightened self-interest. But if I'm not actually turning that self-enlightenment inward and taking care to know what my best interests are, then how am I taking care of myself?
Hee hee. Yeah. I'm not. That was his point.
So! That's what I've been up to...exercising, taking care to get plenty of sleep, setting internal boundaries, identifying just what things can and should be about me - the things I know I can address - and putting some energy to myself again.
The result? Today was the first day in what feels like forever that I've had no (discernible) anxiety.
And it was an astonishingly beautiful day. Stunning. Really.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get dolled up. Acr0nym, BFF extraordinaire, will be arriving shortly for a much needed night out.