Really

Slowly but surely it's getting better...I'm getting better.

Last week's decision to take charge of myself - at least, healthwise - helped a lot. As I check off each thing I've scheduled for my health, I feel better and better. So far, I have:

1) Gotten my eyes checked and ordered new contacts
2) Purchased and diligently worn orthotic inserts to (hopefully) kick this plantar fasciitis to the curb
3) Had fasting bloodwork done
4) Scheduled a physical and lady part exam (it's tomorrow).

The bloodwork results are already in. I was pleasantly surprised to find out my overall cholesterol dropped 33 points from the last time I had it measured. It's now at 156 (that's not a typo). HDL is at 65. Liver function is normal. Kidneys, thyroid, glucose, electrolytes all normal. As I suspected, Iron and B12 are low. So is Vitamin D. I guess I need to get out into the sunshine more, yeah?

I'm steeling myself for tomorrow when I'll get the lecture about my weight and my smoking. I'm not worried about the actual exam though. I haven't had an abnormal pap in 20 years.
I took an interactive assessment on my health insurance company's website regarding depression. I mean, I know I've been depressed. I just didn't really feel like I had a very good handle on how depressed. Turns out, it's pretty mild all things considered. I've certainly been having my ups and downs and struggling to find balance but, overall, I'm still getting out of bed every day and trying to smile and putting myself out into the world as often as I can. And I still have hope that it will get better. I can acknowledge that the small steps are improvements even if they aren't huge.

Taking the assessment though was a good reminder to me about why I might be feeling this crappy. One of the sections asked about whether I'd experienced any major life events in the last year. It forced me to examine just exactly what this last year was like and I felt better seeing it on the page like that and knowing I had so many valid reasons for feeling like life was hard.

Andy's death shook me...obviously. It continues to even though it's gotten better...mostly. No one but Peej knows this but, about this time last year, I took a phone call from Andy's mom. And, in her own grief, she laid out a fat, juicy guilt trip on me asking me why I didn't marry him and give her a grandchild that she could hold on to now that he was gone. I'm still grappling with that. Trying to let that go as that's not mine. But it did hurt me...unnerved me. I'll likely continue to struggle with his passing for some time to come.

But then there were the deaths of Debbi and John and Moon last year in rapid succession and everywhere I turned - personally and professionally - there was profound grief over the loss of those 3. That was hard too.

There were major health issues with two people on my team at work. During my annual review a few weeks ago, my boss identified my biggest accomplishment was quite literally just getting our department through the year largely on my own.

There were a couple of aborted relationships that still sting even though I wish they wouldn't.

Then there's been the uncertainty of Lex's job and our financial well-being for the last several months.

Throw in Lex's health problems, the destruction of his car, becoming a one-car household, a one-income household, and now my bum foot?

It's no wonder I've been feeling pretty blue.

But it IS getting better. I haven't thrown in the towel on most things. I continue to try to make new connections and nurture the old ones. I try to breathe deeply and regularly. I stretch. I talk. I try new things. I love on my kitty. Sometimes I weep in public.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."

— Washington Irving
(Thanks, CH, for the perfect quote today.)
Yesterday, I got to do something totally cool and awesome to help an overwhelmed friend in need. I got to finish writing a text adventure for a Defcon project that needed to have been finished post haste. Since I'd never written a text adventure, had only played one a couple of times, and was adding to someone else's writing that isn't my style, it took me several hours to just get assimilated into the scope of the project. Once I got into it though, I had so much fun flexing creative writing muscles I'd never used.

I hope it works! *laugh*

As for my feet well...the inserts are helping. The first few days my legs and back were sore and fatigued from using muscles I hadn't used in quite the way I'm using them now. That's because the inserts have changed my gait, my balance, and my posture. I have to confess, on Thursday I was feeling pretty discouraged that I was ever going to feel right in my feet again. After giving my feet a rest most of this weekend though, I've got hope that this is actually going to work.

Sometimes, I'm feeling crazy. If you see me out and I say something completely off the wall or am unusually generous with my hugs and kisses, bear with me. I'm just trying to work it all out.

And it IS getting better. I'm getting better.

Really.