It's one of those days where, if I wasn't weepy and listless, I'd be glad I don't have ready access to the Hallmark channel or Subaru commercials because if I did, I would have parked myself in front of the boob tube all day and cried into a bowl of uneaten popcorn at the slightest provocation. As it is, I'm incapable of feeling glad about anything and, instead, I'm just crying in fits and starts for no reason sans popcorn.
It's been one of those weekends where everything is just wrong and I'm tired and angsty and frustrated and sad sad sad but mostly just bone tired. I need a boost and there's no one around to give me a boost...not even Lex who, for the first time in a long time, is seeing a girl, a girl he likes spending time with and who gets him to voluntarily leave the house. Which is good. I'm earmarking that one to be glad about later.
Unfortunately, not even Vinny is cooperating with my need for some affection. Instead, mommy's little monster crapped on my bed in some kind of anxiety-laden attempt to get my attention. And now I just feel crapped on by The World. Which seems overly dramatic and ridiculous and untrue. Nonetheless, I insist upon swimming in this cesspool of pity. Adding insult to injury is the fact that it is Sunday and the laundry room has been busy all day so I couldn't get my bed linens in edgewise and am thus faced with sleeping on a bare bed with only a blanket for company.
Aren't you glad you're taking the time to read this right about now?
Hee hee. OK, I just smiled.
Oh! You know what else made me smile (and cry a little too but I'll tell you about that in a minute) today?
This was the re-scheduled fireworks show set off at the Colorado School of Mines last night. The pyros setting off this show? People I know and love. This is the most spectacular fireworks display I believe I've ever seen and I'm so proud of my friends who can and do make things go boom that I just had to smile at their talent. The tears came from the fact that I did not go to the show last night and, like you, had to watch it on the youtube. I didn't go because just the sound of a loud van's engine revving yesterday afternoon had me jumping out of my skin. Being up close and personal to the firing field - which is reserved for friends and family of the gang - was likely the worst place I could have been...aside from a gun range. I'm sad I missed this...mostly because PTSD robbed me of something I would have loved any other time. There is another show they are putting on at CSU in a couple of weeks. I'm going to try like hell to make it up to that one instead.
Oh! Here's some good news. Acr0nym is not moving to San Francisco. He decided over the weekend not to take the job there mostly because he doesn't want to leave here. Color me relieved. At least about that. Let's hope he gets additional good news tomorrow about the health issue he's currently experiencing. A health issue that is likely partially keeping me from gladness about him staying here in Denver. Frankly, I'm very worried about him. I'll earmark the joy for him staying here later too.
I think...so you know how I spent the last half of the week baking all those pies for the DIY food exchange at denhac yesterday? Well, on Friday afternoon, I came home from work exhausted. It had been a rough driving day, worse than I've had in quite some time and I had to do a lot of it unfortunately, it had been a particularly rough, angsty, stressful week. But before I could lie down for some rest, I knew I needed to juice the 40 key limes for the 2 key limes pies I needed to make. And as I was standing there, exhausted, bedraggled, feet hurting, and yet happy to be creating something with love for people I love that I had the thought...
This. This is what love looks like. It isn't sunsets and rainbows and choirs singing. Love is a pooped out woman in comfy pants and crocs, a lock of stray hair refusing to stay out of her tired face, standing in her kitchen juicing limes for pies even though what she ought to be doing is lying down for a much earned nap. That's love.
Anyway. So I made a bunch of pies. And I put so much love and glitter into those pies! I wanted them to be the best tasting, comforting pies I could muster. But I think I put all my love and glitter into them and forgot to keep a little love reserved for myself. Because right now I've got no love for me.
Naked Jen and I talked last week when we were recording the podcast about her idea that we should all strive to do one good thing each day, to love it out, to spread our glitter. What I'm thinking tonight is that sometimes that one good thing should be giving love to ourselves.
So...to end on a good note...I would love to know what your love looks like. Not the person you love but what it looks like to love. What is it that you do or see or take time for and find yourself suspended in that moment when you think this is what love looks like?
Tell me. I would love, nay I need, to know.