Thursday, September 27, 2012

That's All

It's been a day of twos.

- Two narrow escapes at highway creamery during my commute.
- Two trips to the grocery store.
- Two seriously delinquent clients at work sent in checks received in today's mail that marked them paid in full.
- Two long overdue e-mail responses sent.
- Two loads of laundry washed, folded, and stored.
- Two beautiful pies baked for trade to take to a DIY homemade food exchange event at denhac on Saturday. (I'll bake two more tomorrow.)
- Two sinkfuls of dishes hand washed, dried, and put away.

And now me and my two tired feet are sitting down to rest, finally, after a long, full, happily productive day.

It feels as though it's been forever since I baked anything. Well...OK...I baked a blueberry-pineapple cobblery thing a couple of weeks ago (another 2!) to take to a gathering but I don't count that as there was very little to it.  Sincerely, one would have to be massively challenged both mentally and physically not to be able to pull it off.

But I'm not talking about bakery fluff. I'm talking about the kind of baking that requires me to pull out and dust off the Kitchen Aid and plan ahead for timing and ingredients. Anyone who has ever tried to work homemade pie crust dough before it's properly chilled knows precisely what I mean. 

However, having just experienced the hottest summer on record here in Denver, turning the oven on at all, much less to 425º, seemed ridiculous...quite possibly certifiably crazy. And I'm not really certifiable. At least, not yet. So I haven't baked anything in what feels like forever until tonight.

And it felt really great! There's something about baking...especially pie...that feels like pouring love into a delectable crust and serving it up to people I adore. It's a way of giving some small token of myself, of my affection, my appreciation. To share a particular comfort I do well. I'm so very glad to be back at it. I suspect Lex, in addition to a number of my friends, will be tired of weekly treats before the cold months are through.

Speaking of Acr0nym flew out to San Francisco last week for a job interview. I knew it was happening of course...knew it was a possibility after the first couple rounds of phone interviews. But, since I found out about the face time interviews, I've been transparently angsty and worried. Today he had another follow up call with the hiring director who told him if he wanted an offer, all he had to do was say, "make me an offer". 

And I'm devastated at the possibility of him leaving.

Like no really. I cannot even begin to imagine what life would be like without him here with me. And not just because he drives my ass around. But because...jeebus...because he's my best friend. He takes care of me in ways no one ever has and, as it stands now, never will. He loves me. I love him. What can I say? I have deeply seeded abandonment issues.

I had an epiphany today though. I'm being horrendously selfish by expressing my displeasure at this opportunity. While I do not, under any circumstances, want him to leave, I do not want to, under any circumstances, hold him back. I want him to be happy. I want him to have adventures. I want him to have a chance to leave what has always been home - something he's never done - so that he can either find out this was never home and create home somewhere new or discover 303 will always be home and come back on his own volition. 

So I told him to tell this potential employer to make him an offer. 

Even if he doesn't take the offer, not asking to find out what they think he's worth to them is begging for a what if. And I refuse to play a part in his what if down the line. Not in this instance at least. 

And if he goes? I'll cry. Buckets. And I'll probably ask many of you to provide me with any number of distractions to get by. I'll likely ask for rides and increase my taxi budget so I don't have to drive much more than I already do. And I'll make a special budgetary line item for San Francisco travel so that I can go see him as much as possible. And I will force him under duress to promise to visit me as often as possible.

But I will not stand in his way.

Not now. Not ever.

If he goes, it just means I'll spend my free time baking even more love and tears into things that can be shipped UPS.

That's all.


Kate Goff said...

Well, Jane, if you visit and decide you like San Francisco, you have friends here of the Goff variety who would be happy to see you.

Unknown said...

It is ridiculously difficult to be thoroughly happy for someone when their happiness means you will have to lose something dear. I open my mouth to say something sweet and shock at the taste of bitterness as it comes out.

I moved 1,000 miles away from my best friend seven years ago. And she is still my best friend. I call her often. I bought her a plane ticket this summer. Sometimes, I just miss sitting at her house and drinking coffee, but maybe it will help to know that she is still my best friend—real and solid and warm, with no ounce of the strangeness that comes with time apart. You know what you're about and you will be OK.

Graciewilde said...

F**k it -- sucks -- to want what is professionally best for your friend but what is personally devastating for you. I think you are in very good shape though - your attitude is impressive! For me, it would be yet one more reason to shut down.
I will watch you through this and learn, maybe. (maybe not b/c you aren't a good teacher but b/c I am a stubbornly slow learner).

nakedjen said...

this is all full of love. every ounce. for you and for him. and that is all that either one of you can hope to have. it is that amazing love that will make it all work out exactly as it should. and make whatever miles may end up between the two of you seem like they're not very long or far at all. xo

Masked Mom said...

That is one of the suckier positions to find yourself--wedged between your sincere desire for him to have what's best for him and your own antcipated loss. I think you're already on to the best remedy--honesty and baking and planning and love.

Frances D said...

I'm having a good long visit here at your blog today. I am committing to visiting a favorite blogger every day till I catch up with every one. You my darling were first on the list. 2012 was a helluva year, and I am looking forward to it closing out quietly. I love to bake apple pies. I usually don't do a top crust, so mine are actually more of a tart. Lots of raisins that I pre-soak in fruit juice, plus lots of brown sugar and cinnamon. Waving at you from New York.