Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Did What Now?

This is me...

This is Vinny...

And this is Lex1...

We're a peaceful people.

And we're simple folk. We like our wine, our Nordstrom bags, and the occasional conspiracy theory.

Also? We really REALLY like one another. One very happy and peaceful family.

So it came as a bit of a shock when I called our building management office today to inquire about the status of our upcoming lease renewal to discover we'd had complaints2 filed against us for - get this - domestic violence disturbances and crack dealing.


No really. The official letter advising us of the complaints filed against us and our potential eviction arrived in the afternoon mail.

But wait...what?

Lex and I, we've known each other for almost 5 years now and we've never once fought. The closest we ever came was a heated discussion but never included a raised voice. The loudest our voices go is if we are in separate rooms and feeling too lazy to get up and go talk to one another face to face. Even that doesn't happen often. We so seldom watch television and that would only disturb our upstairs neighbor if it were to disturb anyone. Honestly, if you didn't know we lived there, you'd never suspect anyone did. We're that quiet.

Besides, even if I wanted to drag Lex across the apartment by his hair, he doesn't have any.

As for the crack dealing...have you ever met us3??? If we were actual dealers of any substance whatsoever we'd have to have a whole lot more foot traffic in and out of the Grotto than we do. As it stands, we maybe have visitors 2-3 times a month, if that. But that's beside the point. Speed, cocaine, meth have certainly never ever been a thing for either of us4.

At any rate, I was beyond flabbergasted to hear of these allegations against us. I immediately talked to Lex about it and he was just as floored as I...not to mention more than a little offended considering that, up to this point, we'd been considered model tenants.

I mean, there is very little Lex and I disapprove of generally speaking. Except violence and crack and fundamentalism of any sort5. So to be accused of the two things we absolutely abhor well...uhm...surreal is what I'm coming up with.

I don't mind being accused of something I didn't long as it was at least something I WOULD do, you know?

So this is what I did. I e-mailed my upstairs neighbors - friends - who've lived in the building several years. They, in turn, called the neighbor who lives in between us. All three of them were certainly aware of the situation and all three of them knew precisely who was causing the ruckus. It most certainly was not us!

Phone calls were immediately placed to the building manager in our defense. I was even called a "classy lady". Wasn't that sweet?

And we are expecting an official letter of apology to arrive in tomorrow's post along with our lease renewal.

The moral of this story? Well, besides don't deal crack and fight with your significant other so loudly others can hear and complain.

The moral is Know thy neighbor. You just never know when you'll need to call upon them to defend your honor and keep you in your home.

1: Lex doesn't actually allow photos to be taken especially if they're to be uploaded to the net so this is my interpretation of Lex's person via the drawing tool in Gimp.

2: That's right. Plural. Not one complaint. Not two. But three separate complaints.

3: Perhaps not. But still. Crack? *laughing*

4: Hence all that talk about wine and the mellow wine high.

5: Not just the Christian kind.


Anonymous said...

1. I love the pictures, especially of Lex I think it is a great likeness of him, so good job!
2. Wait, what the hell? Really? Really? I actually had to read this twice because I couldn't believe it.
3. Good for neighbors who actually know you and know better. That's just crazy!

zero hour said...

I was shocked that someone could ever think that about you guys..I mean ,c'mon we ALL know it's
strictly moonshine headin' out of that

ya..nice Lexxy doodle.

kk said...

WTF?????? Weird weird weird....

Kristin said...

Wow, those are some crazy accusations! But I love the pictures! :)

Anonymous said...

Yikes!! That's just nuts! So- there really are people in your building beating each other and selling crack or were these just malicious lies in order to...get you out so someone can move into your super cool place??
Boogles the mind!!