Tuesday, April 06, 2010

I Wish There Was a Pill for This

I pride myself on my adult emotional response system.

This does not mean I do not feel just as keenly as someone less in touch with themselves, but it does mean that I'm able to feel the emotion, identify intellectually where it's coming from, and respond appropriately...calmly, rationally.

There is, however, an exception.

I call it my "little girl" feelings.

Left out.

And they do come out to play when I least expect them and entirely against my will.

This is deeply seeded and while I've made great strides in keeping it at bay, it is still festering in an ugly pool well below the surface of rainbows and bubbles and kittens.


If I must be honest, it stems from my deepest fear. A fear I keep so well hidden, you'd have to get extraordinarily close to see it, to touch it, to be able to manipulate it.


But when someone does get that close and then pokes it - particularly unwittingly - the response is terrifying to me. I get angry, frightened, sad. I want to lash out and say ugly things...to hurt back, to push away, to retreat.

It is vulnerability, dear ones.

We all feel it sometimes. We're all afraid of it.

And if I admit to it, admit that I am vulnerable - that you've got the power to hurt me well...

If I admit it, then you will.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

poignantly true