Friday, December 30, 2011

Snips & Snails

1) Funny things I've said over the course of the last 10 hours in relation to the intestinal distress I woke up with:

This morning at work, my assistant came into my office and the following coversation transpired:
Assistant: What's wrong?
Me: What do you mean?
Assistant: You were just making a funny face.
Me: Oh! No, that was nothing. I was just thinking with my out loud face.

Chat conversation between Acr0nym and myself:me: I have GOT to get new sheets this Also? My tummy is really upset today.
 me: Those 2 things have nothing to do w/each other. FYI.

Changing my RSVP from "yes" to "regrets" for a fancy pants supper party tonight:
                       This is not the time to barf all over Andrew's meat.
                       Wait...that didn't come out right.

Even ill, my sense of comedic timing is pretty good. Now laugh, dammit.

2) I'm not a Jimmy Buffet fan. When I think of Jimmy Buffet fans, I think of white, rich, snobby folks who wear extra-chunky pieces of turquoise jewelry and Versace capri pants (does Versace even make capri pants??? I don't know. I probably don't care since I don't wear or smoke Capris but, for some reason, I picture filthy rich people in capri pants, drinking silver tequila, and emphatically nodding along to all Buffet's lyrics) and who think they have a need to escape the ho-hum of Regular Joe life by fleeing to the warm waters of Key West. I hate that. Mostly, I suspect, because I'd love to escape to the waters of Key West but, like most people, I'm not rich and can't.

However, Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude, has been floating through my brain for the last 2 days. Not the actual song. No. Because the only song of Buffet's I know is Margaritaville and I don't know any of the words to Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude beyond the chorus. Instead, I've been setting the title of the former to the tune of the latter.

It's kinda making me nuts.

However! Perhaps it was the fact that I'd gotten some long overdue Naked Jane time the night before or maybe it's because the new year approacheth but, all of a sudden it occurred to me that 80% of my sad problem this year had to do with a crappy attitude and I was ready to, finally, stamp my foot down and declare 2012 a year of a whole new perspective.

I will NOT let myself beat myself up by the silly doings of stupid, selfish, immature boy-men. I will not let the emotionally-delayed behaviors of said boy-men screw off the head of my self-esteem and shit down its neck (Full Metal Jacket fans represent!). It just doesn't matter what they think or what they do. I'm awesome. I know it. You know it. They know it. There is no reason to continue to fulfill the prophecy laid out by dumb people when even those same dumb people know I'm better than the hand they dealt me.

In fact, maybe that's why they dealt me the hand they did. Because they knew, in order for me to kick them each to the curb, I would have to be dealt a hand that didn't even include a pair of deuces.

This is me, sounding my barbaric YAWP across the rooftops of the world (Walt Whitman fans represent!).

3) We hadn't seen Vinny's frog penis in several weeks. I personally believed it had been flushed accidentally in the night - given his penchant for dropping it in the toilet. I am happy to report that it has been found, safe and sound, and he is now, happily, tossing it in the air and gnawing on the business end of it.

I am SUCH a terrible mother.

4) It occurred to me the other day, when I referenced "Naked Jane time" - especially after reading comments - that most of you do not know what Naked Jane Time might mean. I wrote about it here. But, if you're too busy or, if you're like me, too lazy to click through and watch the awesomeness that is a scene from Neil Simon's Goodbye Girl, I will tell you that being naked, in this context, isn't about being physically naked with my middle-aged bosom flapping about in the wind. Being naked is about being absolutely, 100% alone in my own energy. Anyone who has ever been in a long term, live-in relationship ought to know that rarely are we given the opportunity to be raw outside our unroasted shells. There is almost always someone about for whom we maintain, at least, a modicum of roastedness - covering our core...spouse, children, co-workers...for the sake of sanity and peace in our beloved relationships. Naked Jane time is when I can freely shed every sinewy thread of shell from my inner nut, where every breath is completely me, in my infinite batshit-crazy as it might be. Right now, I am fearlessly myself, not protecting myself or my peanut-y core from anyone's energy but my own. I am naked, raw, vulnerable...and firmly, lovingly ensconced in cotton pajamas.

5) I need some FAQ help. In August, 2010, modchen made some much needed and desired cosmetic changes to this blog. I asked then for people to submit questions for me to answer on the FAQ page. I didn't get any responses...likely because all 3 of the people reading this blog then already knew me and well. So I made up my own questions to answer. However, Melanie from Is This the Middle reminded me last night that there may be other questions I could be asked that would warrant a comedic/snide/awesome answer. So...I'm pleading for each of you to think of something to ask me about myself that I can answer in my FAQ section. Don't you think every website and blog deserves an FAQ section? Don't you wish every FAQ section was funny? I do. Please! Ask me! Add your question to the comments section of this post and, in the next few days, I'll answer and post to the FAQ page.

6) Oh! Wow! I need to go to bed. My tetchy stomach and my brain are bidding you a fond adieu even though there is much more to say.

Adieu. Adieu.


Gaelyn said...

Are you really ready to change your attitude in 2012?

And if so, are you taking on students?

Anonymous said...

I love alone time and when I don't get some, I crave it more than chocolate cake. Fully unvarnished and steeped in me is good sometimes...though nobody else needs to bear witness to that.

You've made me want a FAQ page. You're absolutely right, everybloggy should have one. Let's see, question for you: What would you rather be doing right this minute?

Lucy said...

Sheets are so important, Macy's is having a great deal and no shipping, so I went with Macy's over QVC!

I totally understand Naked Jane Time and love Goodbye Girl!!

Love the Sound of Music too!

Ok, now a FAQ page question, hmmm? So you are from Wymoning do you love Country music? Oh, and Westerns? Oh, and do you go to the Rodeos? Like a man in Chaps? I think I have covered the Wymoning or West cliches LOL!
Happy New Year!! Here is to a Positive Attitude 2012!!!

Dianne Juhl said...

I'm a relatively new arrival to your blog, Jane, and I'm glad that Shiftless Wanderer pointed my newby self in your direction. So I have three questions:

#1: What's one pithy-haha and one sweet-bitter thing that new arrivals should know about you?

#2: What do you consider an "adventure of a lifetime" and have you had this adventure yet?

#3: What about money turns you on?

Abundant regards, D @ The Feminine Face of Money

Unknown said...

1. How did you come to be the preeminent pie baker of the West? What is your best pie?
2. In what genre will your first New York Times Best Selling book be?
3. How have you prepared for the Zombie Apocolypse?

Happy New Year, sweetie!

The Shiftless Wanderer said...

Gee, I love this, Jane. It's all here, ~ tetchy stomach, Naked Jane time, Jimmy Buffett, Walt Whitman, The Sound of Music, and great resolve for the new year. Really love this.

I, too, am inspired now to create a FAQ page on my blog.

Questions for yours:
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Who is your greatest strong feminine role model?
If you could be anywhere in the world right now, doing absolutely anything, without having to worry about money or physical capabilities, where would you be and what would you be doing? (Similar to Word Nerd's question but with lots of latitude.)

TangledLou said...


Masked Mom said...

I LOVED #1. Especially the last one--I might even get to use it someday and since Hubby's name is "Andrew," I can steal it in its entirety. ;)

Haven't had a chance to get to FAQs yet, but can't wait to see what you've come up with.

Anonymous said...

And I, for one, LOVE "Naked Jane!" So there...I've said it. You don't need to be anything but you, Amiga! :)

BIG hugs,

cdnkaro said...

I totally misunderstood what you meant by "Naked Jane" time, though I like this definition too! Feel better soon!

Just Jane said...

Gaelyn: I'm not sure I'm quite yet ready to teach but I'll do my best to lead by example :)

Word Nerd and Shiftless Wanderer: Yes! Do an FAQ! It's a lot of fun.

Dianne: I'm awfully glad you're here.

MM: That's both awesome and gruesome! lol

Virginia: Big hugs back to you!

cdnkaro: Thank you. I already do feel much better!

Happy new year to all of you! And thank you. I'll be starting to update the FAQ page soon.

Diva said...

"Jimmy Buffett is island music for racists." ~ The Maestro

For the FAQ:

1) What is your least favorite vegetable? Why?

2) Mimes or clowns?

3) Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?