Sunday, April 29, 2012

While You Were Busy Gossiping

I had a post all written out and ready to publish.

It was angry. Sniping. Moody. Ugly. 

It was aimed at people who, by talking about me behind my back, hurt me. Deeply. People - alleged friends - who, if they'd thought for just a second, would have realized all they had to do was call me, ask me, "Hey, I've been noticing lately you haven't been yourself. Are you OK? Can I help?" and I would have answered honestly, "No. I'm really not OK."

Instead, they decided to gossip. To judge. 

But I couldn't post it.

It was written to lash out and to hurt as I hurt. And that is so not me...at least, not the me I am when I am at my best. Not the me who rolls her eyes at the thought of posting her dirty laundry on Facebook. Not the me who is currently curled up crying with her hands held in front of her face saying, "Enough! I can't take any more blows than what I've received right now." 

It was written by the me who has no energy to deflect stupidity, to shrug off petty bullshit, or ignore minor injustices. It was written by the me who has no ability to filter. It was written by the me who is deeply entrenched in depression, propelled by skyrocketing anxiety, shaken by daily panic attacks and agoraphobia, plagued by insomnia. The me who wakes up every day wondering if this is the day she's going to accidentally take herself and innocent bystanders out when she drives to work. The me who fears she'll never again be able to drive herself somewhere beyond the grocery store a few blocks away without worrying she'll faint and maim...or kill.

No. I'm not OK.

But that's OK. 

There are others who've got my back and I'm no longer taking your call. 

13 comments:

Lucy said...

Time to depend on those you know you can and get to a doctor they can figure things out.
Go, do not rationalize, go, if I was close I would march over and take you.

Gaelyn said...

Jane, please feel free to talk and share, and work through the rough parts. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman.

BIG HUGS!

dbstevens said...

The magic here, to me, is that you could have posted it, but chose not to.

You are so strong to recognize who you want to be, and to try to be that person even when it is so, so hard.

You are a beautiful example. Know that you are loved. Thank you for sharing this, and for being brave instead of cruel. I will remember this.

Jewels said...

It says so much about you that amid your difficulties, you take the higher road. Gossip is dirty and cruel, when it comes from supposed friends, it goes beyond nasty.

(Can I say that I know we don't always 'know' our blogger friends. Our glimpse into each other's lives is so small. But, even so, reading your blog- your wit, your intelligence, your caring ways- I would never have imagined the struggles you have. You don't have to keep this comment, but I wanted you to know that I truly admire you.)

dbstevens said...

Do you know about explodingdog? Right, so...http://explodingdog.com/title/iamnotok.html

Graciewilde said...

Hey there, Jane -- You don't know me (yet) but I actually am the recipient (from MM) of your copy of Creative is a Verb -- what a wonderful gesture on your part. I am bummed to hear that you are struggling with mean people - you don't deserve that - no one does - but good for you to take the high road. In the end, you will be glad you did. Let's be friends! JT

Word Nerd said...

If you need a shoulder or an ear, mine are always available for you. Always. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

Sleepy Joe said...

The only problem with this virtual world is that virtual cuddles are good, but never as good as those warm and strong arms as they surround you, making you feel secure and grounded. It has to be one of the best feelings in the would as you sigh and relax into the warmth and love.

I wish I was somewhere near to offer you one of those hugs, to let you know that those people don't matter and are not worthy even a passing thought.

I don't know you that well yet but please remember you are amazing. You go through all of this whilst organizing an online comment mob for a fellow blogger in need. Keep smiling and sharing!

Mike Adams said...

Hi Jane...just thinking positive thoughts for you!

cdnkaro said...

There is nothing more hurtful than betrayal by those you trust. Here for you Jane, whenever you need. Sending big virtual hugs!

Masked Mom said...

Oh, Jane, I echo everything that's already been said--especially that it says so much about you that you're taking the high road when to do otherwise must be ever so tempting. I know we never know exactly what another person is feeling or going through, but I've wrestled some similar demons from the sounds of things. I'm rooting for you, for what it's worth--and if you need an outlet for petty rants about annoying people, you've got my e-mail address. ;)

Diva said...

I take it as a compliment when one friend asks another friend if I'm okay. It means they're paying attention, if not directly to me. Most times their hearts are in the right place, especially since I don't share well or often.

Sorry you're going through such a hard time, lady. Let me know if there's anything I can do. I'll bring English cheddar. *hugs*

Bon said...

This is one of those times I wished I lived closer - or versa vica.

For pies. Delivered, of course.
And wines. And midnight rambling talks. And hugs. And far more amusement than should be legal.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am deeply sorry that friends contributed to it.

I know a guy who knows a guy who knows kneecaps.
You know?

At any rate, GIANT BON HUGS